Saturday, May 06, 2006

Thirteen important things to take away from Mission Implausible 3

1. Why walk to your destination when you can run, jump, swing, rappel, kick seven guys in the head and unravel a complex scheme to maintain global American supremacy to get there?

2. The success of The Matrix has really opened up that running-through-city-streets-getting-directions-on-a-cell-phone- from-a-tech-geek genre. In fact, watching MI3 has made plain to me that The Matrix pretty much legitimized the use of mobile phones as dramatic devices. Thanks to the Wachowskis, it is now permissible to extend a noisy, confusing action scene by having characters move between areas of signal coverage. Thanks for enhancing my movie going experience there.

3. It is possible to base an entire two-hour movie on the sight of Tom Cruise running, his face frozen in a rictus of athletic effort, flecks of spittle flying from his clenched grin. It may not be possible to watch that movie, but you can get it made.

4. In the spirit of promoting adventure tourism in China, Shanghai city laws now permit you to hang out the door of your vehicle and shoot out the tires of other vehicles. They also allow basejumping in the downtown core.

5. When you're planting hidden explosives, make sure to set them out in plain sight with a glowing red LED indicator. Red means "gonna explode".

6. Quick MI3 guide to covert rescue missions: a) assemble a crack team and fly them halfway around the world to an abandoned factory; b) infiltrate the factory, avoid the armed guards and eventually place yourself within five feet of the hostage you've come to rescue; c) shoot all the windows out. That's right, just shoot at everything and blow that sumbitch factory right up. Then, while every single faceless mercenary in the building wakes up and grabs his gun, haul the hostage out. It'll work. Just keep shooting.

7. You can meet, fall in love, get engaged and move in with someone, all without introducing the love of your life to any of your friends or family, or even giving them a single scrap of information about your fiance. They won't think it's weird.

8. If your wife gets kidnapped and tortured and tied to a chair in a tearoom in Shanghai, she'll forgive you for pretending to be a department of transportation employee, but only if you rescue her and then immediately make her electrocute you to save your life. There's a lot of backstory here, but the principle holds true.

9. The best way to learn how to use a gun is to have Tom Cruise scream at you.

10. Personal conversations are best conducted on rooftops.

11. Dangerous rogue agents should be gagged, restrained on a hospital cart and placed in a featureless round room just long enough to be told off. You can't move them to a cell to tell them off, you have to do it in the featureless round room. It's the rules.

12. It's possible to hang around in a depressurized airplane cabin and not, you know, die.

13. I'm guessing that when Cruise pitched this movie to Paramount, he just ran laps around the boardroom for twenty minutes at top speed, gasping out "TOM CRUISE! TOM CRUISE! ALWAYS IN MOTION! HIGH-GROSSING!" until the execs relented, terrified that Cruise was about to rap while running.

16 comments:

Helvetica said...

Based on your commentary, I'd recommend as an antidote (because clearly one is needed) Thank You For Smoking.

Lena said...

Very funny. It could've been a strong Six instead though.

After seeing it last night, I agree. Especially 6, 10, and for the love of all that is funny, 13.

Chris said...

Don't forget PHd level life dependent differential equations and vector analysis with wax crayons while fully engaged in inane conversation.

palinode said...

Also, rundown apartments in Shanghai come with state-mandated wax crayons for vector analysis doodles. Ideal for swinging from buildings.

ozma said...

This list is hilarious but God I hope it doesn't entice me to see the movie at some point.

Reel Fanatic said...

Very funny stuff ... Although I've seen this and mostly liked it, I can see your point about Cruise being very annoying

Chris said...

My wife tells me that Tom Cruise directed this one. If this is true, we might be seeing evidence of the Peter Principle in action.

palinode said...

Reel Fanatic: I mostly liked the film as well. It's the perfect summer movie: good enough to enjoy, bad enough to make fun of. Poking fun at these kind of overblown, monster-budget behemoths is part of the experience of seeing the movie for me.

Chris: Tom Cruise produced this one. I think he's been co-producer on the entire franchise. But yes, the Peter Principle may still apply.

Mr. Saucy said...

Couldn't be worse than the second one anyway.

mathew said...

i can't tell if you're talking about m:i:3 (so stupid) on #7 or if you're talking about tom and katie - sorry, kate.

palinode said...

It's funny about that ambiguity on #7, isn't it? I'm sure it's a big coincidence, that Cruise and his handlers had no input on that aspect of the script, and that studio movies don't function as advertisements for their stars. No way.

Serenity Now! said...

OMG that was a funny list.

I am morally opposed to Tom Cruise and refuse to give him my $12, so I won't be going to this movie... and thanks to you, now I have the whole thing summed up for me!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Wait, is this about Tom Cruise's real life or his latest movie? Actually, I think the list works either way.

hannah said...

Thank you for the comment on my poetry. I'd fairly much forgotten I even had that blog as anything more than a way to leave comments on other peoples. But I might start putting some more poetry on there, and so to that end I have turned on the word verification jazz.

Anonymous said...

Hey, the Cruiser is wierd but only 'cause he can afford to be. See Michael Jackson for further reference.

This Summer, everybody runs...

*

Kusems said...

Have you seen the clips of him "dancing" on BET's "106 and Park?" It's really scary. It makes me wonder how he did dancing scenes his older movies, cuz his moves nowadays appear to involve faking a seizure.