Saturday, January 22, 2005


Maybe it's the flax pills I've been popping, but the spam in my inbox has become increasingly literary. The subject lines have been growing more and more suggestive of some great drama, some epic happening that's being transmitted me to a piece at a time from servers all over the world. Somehow it seems to fit with the whole idea of TCP/IP: little fragments all arriving at a destination. In this case it's up to me to unscramble the signal and join the disjointed phrases into a tender coming-of-age tale set in the Deep South, or perhaps a story of war-torn gay lovers facing each other across the trenches of Flanders. "They loved. And then they killed". Something like that.

When my brain isn't soaking in Omega-3, though, the various dada spams I receive come off as mildly amusing and a little perplexing. I see an email from Nadia Gomez with the subject line "Re: growled something and seized" and I wonder - do they expect to open this? Does Nadia Gomez think that I'm going to look at that and say, "Oh, she replied to that 'growled something and siezed' email I sent her". I can't even think offhand what kind of email I'd send with that subject.

To: Nadia Gomez
From: The Palinode
Subject: Growled something and seized

Yeah, Hi there Nadia. Hope things are going good for you over there in Ulan Bator or Romania or wherever you are. I'm just writing because the tiger you sent me got loose again and started tearing things up in my backyard. When I tried to get it back into its pen, it just growled something and seized my forearm with its sharp teeth. So, I'm bleeding something fierce over here and I'd like you to come get your FREAKING TIGER. I'm SICK TO DEATH and SEVERELY LACERATED over this whole affair, and I'm very sorry that I responded to your last email advertising a cheap home security system. Let me tell you, TIGERS ARE NOT CHEAP. Where'd you get that thing? It smells and it bites.


That's the most likely scenario I can come up with.


luvabeans said...

to: palinode
from: nadia gomez
subject: it smells and it bites

dearest palinode,

is cold here in ukraine. am want to be thanking you for to take care of sheba while i am visiting ukraine, away from the rest of the gomez family in argentina. they are not liking sheba.

sheba is very well-travelled tiger, coming from africa to join me in argentina, but she is not liking ukraine. that is why i sended her to balmy saskatchewan, where i am thinking the climate is more to her liking. unless i was reading my travel guide upside-down, again. oopsie! silly foreigner.

i think you are warm for sheba, because you are from bermuda and people say you write like arab.

am understanding if you are getting angry at sheba, because grumpy, jet-lagged tigers are, i believe you are saying in english, "a bitch"? they are especially difficult to get through customs. (tip: if that is problem, sheba will eat customs officials. is much easier that way.)

if sheba is getting too much, i will send tranquilizers and large gun. if all else fail, remember that tiger goes well with potatoes and nice shiraz.

last all night long with viagra,
nadia gomez


sweetney said...

i love the idea of responding to spam -- i've done it myself, but with a much less literary (and humorous) bent.

i think this might become a new pastime of mine. once, you know, i'm able to take a shower on a daily basis with some regularity.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Good one luvabeans!