Thursday, July 22, 2004

what I've wasted

Here is a list of food that I ordered in restaurants in the United States but did or could not consume, owing to the offensively huge heaps of food they serve you down there:

one Jennie-O Turkey Store turkey sandwich
one deliriously oversized packet of Hellman's Light Mayonnaise
one Russell Stover Almond Delight
one half Applebee's Southwest Chipotle Grilled Chicken Salad
one half IHOP Garden Omelette
one and one half IHOP Buttermilk Pancakes with Butter Pecan Syrup
three apple cores from starch-heavy continental breakfasts
five pieces tofu at P.F. Chang's
specially prepared hot sauce mixed at table by perky waitress who couldn't believe that we'd never been to P.F. Chang's before
one half Dennie's Veggie Omelette
another one half Dennie's Veggie Omelette
various overrepresented Dennie's food items
toast, toast, toast
one quarter bowl Benno's jambalaya*
two thirds serving of red beans and rice at same
one third serving black-eyed peas, Cotton Patch restaurant
three IHOP Nut 'n' Grain Whole Harvest or Whatever Pancakes
a pile of mushy IHOP hash browns
limp rice pilaf
one half Wasabi Seared Tuna at the Islamorada Fish Company
dregs of fruity drinks
one or two fried plantains
one half Papa Rudy sandwich
one entire Pomodoro Capellini at an Olive Garden, or Faux-Italian Trougheteria
a theoretically infinite amount of soup, because the waitress at the Olive Garnen/Slopitorium kept offering me refills
a couple of Texas Fries at Riscky's Barbeque at the Fort Worth Stockyards
half and quarter cups of coffee left scattered across the countertops and tables of the southern U.S.

This is a partial list. I honestly can't tell you all that I couldn't eat or finish off in my two and a half weeks there, or all the servers who looked perplexed or concerned or expressed their concern when they spied unfinished food on my plate. I'm not five Teamsters, people. I'm just one guy trying to make his way in the world over heaps of processed and prepared food. I swear, Olive Gardens must have gigantic underground warehouses that pump soup and pasta up to the surface in fearsome pipes.

*I would crawl over razorblades for that remaining quarter cup of jambalays. My God, it was good. Benno's restaurant, corner of 13th and Seawall Boulevard, Galveston, Texas.


Anonymous said...

And how, I ask, how was the Barbeque?


Friday said...

Can I have those fried plantains, if you're done with them?

Anonymous said...

That's why it's great to have a hotel room with a fridge, a microwave and, even better, a freezer. Saves some of your per-diem.

-The Phoenix Cow

palinode said...

I don't get a per diem. Just a credit card and a mild admonishment to frugality.

luvabeans said...

in "the triplets of belleville," all the american characters were drawn to be overflowingly obese. i thought that was funny. and, may i ask, how does one differentiate between limp and non-limp rice pilaf?

Anonymous said...

per diem? LOL! What means "per diem?"

palinode said...

In response to various comments:

Friday: Help yourself to the plantains I left on my plate. They may still be there. Mambo Cuban Cuisine, Coconut Grove, Miami.

Luvabeans: Non-limp rice pilaf can readily be identified by its robust appearance, manly musk and appetizing curls of vapour arabesquing the air. Limp rice pilaf don't got none of that.

Anonymous: A 'per diem' is a daily sum of money usually afforded to business travellers to cover expenses such as food and incidentals. What kind of dentals are inci-dentals anyway?

Anonymous said...

But of course that is what is a "per diem." The question is: have you ever seen a "per diem?" If you work where I think you do, "per diems" are rarer than invisible pink unicorns.

palinode said...

Forgive me, anonymous. Given the connection drawn between per diems at my place of work and pink unicorns, you've almost certainly guessed where I work.