Monday, April 11, 2005


Sweet bedtime. Schmutzie is drifting off to sleep in mid-conversation. The Palinode is wide awake.

Lotus: Our kitchen is too small.

Palinode: Our entire apartment is too small.

Lotus: We need a new place. With a bigger kitchen.

Palinode: And a full set of shiny kitchen implements.

Lotus: Like that garlic press your mother has. And one of those can openers where you don't cut yourself on the rim.

Palinode: And a decent coffee grinder...

Lotus: ...yeah...

Palinode: And a new debeaker.

Lotus: ...yeah...what?

Palinode: A debeaker. For debeaking the puffins.

Lotus: What? Oh my god, that's revolting.

Palinode: The new models aren't so bulky.

Lotus: I've never heard of anything so horrible.

Palinode: It's a regrettable but necessary thing.

Lotus: Why? Why would you want to debeak a puffin?

Palinode: You want to eat puffin with the beak on?

Lotus: I don't want to eat puffin at all!

Palinode: Well, debeakers weren't invented for culinary purposes. They were created to deal with the menace.

Lotus: The menace of what?

Palinode: Puffins.

Lotus: What are they a menace to?

Palinode: The local wildlife. And possibly farm animals.

Lotus: Around here?

Palinode: Oh yes.

Lotus: We live on the prairies. Puffins aren't native to the area.

Palinode: Not any more. They were debeaked. But there was a time when the bison was laid low by the savage puffin.

Lotus: Really? And why aren't there puffins terrorizing the plains right now?

Palinode: It's the middle of the night. Puffins are diurnal. And anyway they were all debeaked in the late nineteenth century. All those beaked puffins you see are artists' renditions or flashy CGI.

Lotus: Really. Then why do we need a puffin debeaker for our new kitchen?

Palinode: Sorry, I was referring to toucans.


blackbird said...

you need one of those machines that seals your food in plastic bags.
the food stays fresh for years.

palinode said...

What I need is one of those cupboard-mounted plastic wrap dispensers, so I can quickly and conveniently cover all of my possessions in cellophane.

blackbird said...

I am hungry.

I could go for a puffin.

(don't even bother telling me to get on a fucking plane, or I will torment you with another story)

palinode said...

Get on a fucking plane, blackbird!

blackbird said...


One time, K was the PM on a shoot for a certain feminine product. The shoot wrapped for the day and K sent the PA's out to dispose of about 15 large bags of garbage. (They were shooting at private home and could not leave that much trash at the curb.) The PA's set off in a cargo van containing the bags of trash as well as a 21 inch monitor encased in an Anvil crate on wheels, as well as the rest of the VTR equipment.(perhaps you can see where this is going)After driving around for a while the daft PA's decided to dump the trash bags under the turnpike. Just as they finished throwing the last bag under the highway, headlights approached from the distance. Fearing legal action the PA's threw the doors shut and tore out. Unfortunately the doors did not latch closed and the monitor? it rolled out of the van onto the roadway. Unfortunately it was not missed until they were well on their way back to the city -- where K awaited them. K sent them to not only look for the monitor (never found) but also to retrieve all the trash they had dumped. (retrieved and disposed of appropriately)

I gotta go watch House.

palinode said...

Holy ungodly hell. I remember a shoot where the grip truck caught fire in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant. All the extras had gathered at the location, which was basically a frozen field with a mockup of an airplane crash. They waited a long time for the actual crew. Then they bitched about the ramen noodles that craft services brought.

The Wrath of Dawn said...

So THAT explains why all the frickin' puffins are here on the east coast.

fufmiggd - The sound a debeaked puffin makes.