Wednesday, April 05, 2006

industry jargon


To my immense delight, I found out last week that every Avid editing suite comes, as a matter of security, with a programmable key called a dongle. The function of the dongle is to prevent unauthorized rogue editors from sneaking into the building and layering in an aftereffect or converting a cut to a dissolve (Sheer incompetence Rogue editors prowling the streets are a huge problem in the production industry). The other function of the dongle is to make me laugh whenever I see one of our editors walking the hallways with a dongle attached to a band on his wrist.

Sometimes a dongle goes wrong and the Avid suite refuses to do so much as turn its head and cough. What causes dongle wrongness? Cosmic rays? Viruses in the works introduced by rogue editors? The unhealthy influences of HAL, Edgar, Proteus IV or maybe Skynet? Spindling? The truth is, we don't know what sends a dongle off the rails. But when it happens, you have to send the dongle back to the manufacturers to have it reprogrammed. To reprogram a dongle is to bless it. Therefore it is permissible and even encouraged to phone up Avid corporate headquarters in Massachussetts (978 640 6789, if you're really determined to follow through) and say "Bless my Avid Dongle, sirs, for it has gone wrong". Make sure you can produce the wrong dongle when asked, though. And don't forget the 'sirs' when you phone up.

9 comments:

palinode said...

Don't forget to not actually phone Avid headquarters just because I provided the number, which is available on their official website anyway. But if you do please let me know how they respond.

vegasandvenice said...

Ha ha! The funniest post about dongles ever!

Anonymous said...

There once was a dongle named Avid
And as Palinode's luck would have it
His dongle got messed
And he now needs it blessed
Or, Solomon-like, simply halve it.

...It scans if you squint. There's not enough squinting in the world to make it make sense, though.

~K.

palinode said...

Vegasandvenice: are there other, less amusing posts about dongles out there? Is there a site that rates dongle posts on a scale? "This post gets ten dongles!" or something like that? Because now you've given me hope.

K.: Of all the many dongle limericks out there - and lord am I sick of them - yours is the freshest and funniest I've seen. I bet if Solomon were an editor, he'd chop a dongle in half just to make a point.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Similarly, but not really the same at all, we have badge cards that need to be swiped to get in the door at my work.

I wonder if I can convince them to go the dongle route....

blackbird said...

My ever-practical K says he just sends his dongles out to be blessed.

Grand Tuma said...

I've never had to give Avid a dingle in regard to my dongle. Its all in how you use it, really. You can't just whip your dongle out, no no no. The angle of the dongle's dangle is most important. And keeping it away from the taint that plagues many dongles. Happy dongling!

mathew said...

not that i would ever advocate such a thing, but there are software patches out there, called cracks, which you can install so that you no longer need to have a dongle.

Gaunilo said...

First: "Bless my Avid Dongle, sirs, for it has gone wrong." - total spit-take.

Second: I'm confused about the "reprogramming." Is it like a Maoist re-education camp? Or is it more like Love in Action? And does it love Big Brother afterwards?

I'm just trying to understand.