Thursday, March 09, 2006

pants management

Evening as always. Schmutzie posed in the bathroom doorway, fetchingly backlit.

Palinode: Those are nice pants.

Schmutzie: Thank you.

Palinode: When did you get those pants? Those are great pants.

Schmutzie: I've had them for a while. (Demurely) They're slimming.

Palinode: (Resists urge to say, "They're sliming?", because he used to work for a guy who drank a Chinese herbal tea called, in a spectular example of Engrish packaging, 'Sliming Tea'.) They're effective.

Schmutzie: They do the job.

Palinode: They should be promoted.

Schmutzie: What do pants get promoted to?

Palinode: Oh... management.

Schmutzie: Administrative duties?

Palinode: Pants... management... yeah.

(Pause)

Palinode: That's the problem with the pants system. High-performing pants get promoted out of the field.

Schmutzie: Hence all the fuschia stirrup pants still in circulation.

18 comments:

mathew said...

i'm more interested in what pants get demoted to, specifically bicycle and/or lycra pants.

mathew said...

i'm more interested in what pants get demoted to, specifically bicycle and/or lycra pants.

mathew said...

there are many times, more than i could count on either hand, when a 'kissing the cat on the head' incident has ended up with my delicately prying said cat's claws out of my forehead

palinode said...

Lycra pants get demoted to cheap costume work in student sci-fi films.

Spirophita said...

And "sliming tea" only works because you lose all body excretions simultaneously.

I'd think tight-fitting, mom jeans (with the twelve-inch zipper in the front, accommodating a fupa) would be sent to the basement, endlessly collating with their special stapler.

palinode said...

Mom jeans. They're just a way of saying "I give up on sex".

Spirophita, a 'fupa' better not be what I think it is.

ozma said...

If you are a very good, kind pair of pants and your owner loves you very much, do you get to be a real boy?

palinode said...

You get to be some real legs.

grrrbear said...

Unless the pants lie, then their button grows to unbelievable lengths.

And then they go hang out with disreputable pairs of culottes at Pleasure Island...

palinode said...

Oh, so that's a button. I was misinformed.

wordgirl said...

I'm betting those pants are black. All good slimming pants--or many--are black. Witness the many, many pairs in my closet.

palinode said...

Black they is, and flat-fronted too.

Anonymous said...

Los Fabuloso Pantalones de la Schmutzie!

Anonymous said...

Los pantalones de la Shumtzie son Fabulosos!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Wait, what? I want slimming pants. Particularly effective slimming pants. Particularly effective slimming pants that will make me look fetchingly backlit. I've never been fetchingly backlit. And I want to be. God, I want to be.

JustLinda said...

You cannot just post about SLIMMING pants without giving the make, model, and store of origin. A link to the actual pants online would be preferrable.

Promoting pants past their level of competence? Isn't that called the Peter (Pants) Principle or something?

palinode said...

Linda, I've tried to elicit information about Schmutzie's pants, but she's not forthcoming. One day, though, she'll spill the information.

The Mincemeat Vixen said...

I tried to post this the other day but I don't think it worked, here goes:

DON'T BE DISSIN THE FUSCHIA STIRRUP PANTS! I've got a lot of fond memories of fuscis stirrups from Grade 6, combined w my Archie sweatshirt!

Also, I think that the bike/lyrcra pants have already BEEN demoted. Like they were respectable chinos in another life and are now destined to spend eternity nestled against a fat man's balls.