Wednesday, April 04, 2007

crime tips

Not many of you know this, but I have had a long career as a criminal. I’ve done all the crime things – the b&e’s, the bunko scams, the email scams, all the embezzlements (business, non-profit, nursery school), as well as montes of up to a dozen cards’ complexity. So behold the fruits of my wisdom.

Are you beholding my wisdom fruits yet, or are you reading this sentence? The education system has brainwashed you.

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If you dip your fingertips in hot wax before committing a crime, the pain will keep you focused on your objective.

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The worst crime gig is cat burglar. Cats have nothing. Nothing but sharp claws and unfenceable urine.

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In order to steal from a crowded place during regular business hours, coat yourself in rank filth. No one will come near you, and you will be able to carry out your business (wink wink) unmolested (heh heh).

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In a daring pre-dawn raid on December 11, 1978, over five million dollars in cash and jewelry was stolen from Lufthansa Air. It was the largest robbery in America at the time. Several murders attended the aftermath of the heist in order to cover up the trail of tainted money. In 1990, Martin Scorsese made the film Goodfellas, a biopic about a mobster who was peripherally involved in the robbery. Martin Scorsese profited handsomely from the film. He is a criminal.

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A shiv is an improvised weapon made by sharpening or refashioning an otherwise innocuous implement, such as a spoon, a toothbrush or a stick of dynamite. A shank is a kind of shiv made from the metal shank of a boot. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about shivs:
• The character Richard B. Riddick in the films Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick coined the term "shiv-happy". Shivs are a frequently used form of weapon in The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay.
I’m glad that future generations will get to know about the use of improvised weapons in a video game based on a couple of forgettable sci-fi flicks from the dawn of the 21st century. If Jimmy Wales made money from Wikipedia, he would almost certainly be put in jail. Wales’ criminal genius lies in not charging for access to Wikipedia. While this appears to be legal, he should still be punished. With a shiv.

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Amass a large amount of money. Buy Sony. You lousy piece of crap, you.

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A particularly hot area for novice criminals these days is stealing intellectual property. In order to steal intellectual property you will need the following easy-to-obtain items:

  • head of Cory Doctorow (fresh)

  • head-sized canister

  • portable buzzsaw

  • blender OR food processor

  • scoop

  • 1 dozen or so planaria (flatworms)

  • mask, bag with $ sign

First, you need to find your Cory Doctorow, which will have the head you need. This is easy: just go to Disneyland or any seminar full of eggheads who want to pirate files without consequences. Eventually Cory Doctorow will show up. Remove head and place in canister for storage. Next remove the top of the skull with buzzsaw and scoop out brain with scoop. Mash up brain in blender and feed to planaria. If you are truly the criminal you make yourself out to be, the planaria will absorb Cory Doctorow’s memories and spell out his banking PIN with their bodies. Did I tell you to grab his wallet along with his head?

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I am writing this in the middle of a workday. Some people call it stealing company time. I contend that I am appropriating corporate temporal resources.

8 comments:

Thomas said...

It can also be effective to blast the brain out with water or air or sucking the brain out through a hole in the head.

Jurgen Nation said...

I just snorted Crystal Light through my nose. (Better than crystal meth.) "unfenceable urine" is my new favorite description.

Zug Zwang said...

Appropriating corporate temporal resources is what makes work tolerable.

Anonymous said...

hey, as your plotting your life of crime, I'll be going to prison next year. I've heard that a shank is any metal makeshift knife, while a shiv is plastic, wood, or soap etc.

I'll tell you positively next year after I go to a disciplinary hearing or two.

My Head Is Too Big said...

Dear Anonymous. Don't whistle in prison. They hate that.

Derek said...

Cory Doctorow should come in three-packs.

ozma said...

I don't call it stealing, I call it 'liberating.'

Property is theft.

palinode said...

Property is essence. And you can't steal essence.