Monday, December 11, 2006

not so stories #1

There’s a guy who’s always in the lunch room whenever I walk by. Sometimes he’s microwaving, sometimes he’s boiling water. Sometimes he’s standing there, hands in pockets and not much going on. He wears a knotted blue scarf around his neck. Old acne scars climb up his chin and cling to his cheeks. Every time I come in to get my lunch from the fridge, he smiles at me and wanders out. There’s a residue of his thoughts in the air, a murmur that runs I like, I like going through the fridge and looking at everyone’s lunches, I like to unwrap the cellophane around the cheese sandwiches, I like to pop the top on tupperwear containers and poke the tofu chunks within, oh yeah, gonna poke your tofu. Up top is the gourmet coffee, behind the toolbox and the toner, there’s good beans up there, gonna grind them when no one else is looking, gonna have some fiiiine coffee when the lights go out. Of course this is ridiculous – he usually leaves the office before I do – but now I hear his voice in my kitchen, and it frightens me a little.

4 comments:

My Head Is Too Big said...

Make a decoy lunch of purple dye soup and polonium 210 sandwiches. If that doesn't work, haul off and kick him in the plums without warning. It's important to establish dominance over this lunchroom interloper before things get out of hand.

ozma said...

As for me, I'd want to test him. Leave $20 on top of your tofu one day and see what happens. Or perhaps a gold coin.

palinode said...

By the by, just so we're clear, this story is not true. There is no lunch room creep. A couple of people from my office read this site and they're going to be scratching their heads over the identity of the tofu-poker, but no poker exists. But I did find some good coffee on the top shelf.

My Head Is Too Big said...

He doesn't exist? Who's gotten to you? The guy from the courier service probably. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Leave no tofu unturned. Stone! I meant stone. No, I wasn't in your lunchroom. Okay I was, but I only looked at the tofu. Maybe I smelled it a little...