Wednesday, April 12, 2006

mellow staff blend

I take back all the bad things that I've said or intimated about work. According to a company-wide email, "There is a personnel blender in the kitchen area for staff to use. If you use it please wash it out". The phrase 'personnel blender' doesn't just amuse; it flat-out makes me happy. I murmur the phrase and the endorphins roll gently over my body, as in a tropical tidal pool at twilight. It's approaching the status of a mantra - got work stress? 'Personnel blender'. Your lover turned cold? 'Personnel blender'. Landlordsaystherentislate/ mayhavetolitigate? 'Personnel blender'. And 'kill Bobby McFerrin'. Note: If you're curious about the most effective stress-relieving way to say 'personnel blender,' give me a call. Or pester me for a podcast.

The key is not to think about the phrase too long. Or at all. The implications involving blended personnel form part of a train that boards at Camp Horror Station and terminates at Saddam Grinder Junction. But for some reason, even the image of blended personnel doesn't damp my happy engine. As long as it gets washed out, I'm fine.

There was also an email to announce that the 'plumping company' would be coming by on Thursday. No doubt there's some Ball Park Franks on the loose in the basement. I say unleash the personnel blender on them.


Gaunilo said...

See, I think that would have depressed me even worse (back when I had a real job, that is). It would make me think of some Sartrean forced-fun-with-your-coworkers-outing kind of thing - like they're telling HR people in HR school to 'call them personnel blenders - "ice-breakers" are so 20th century!'

But then - maybe it would make me happy. I would take all the ancient leftovers and sack lunches that always get left in breakroom refrigerators for months and 'blend' them - Free Smoothies in the Breakroom!

And I would totally wash it out.

But even if my dystopian vision is depressing, by no means let it bring you down. Let the plumping company plump you up.

Lynn said...

I just saw that "robotvagina" has its own category on your blog. Now, that makes me happy.

roo said...

Do you work with a bunch of girl-drink drunks?

Does the office kitchen also include an assortment of personnel paper umbrellas?

sgazzetti said...

Thank you.

Work has had me depressed lately and the only thing keeping me going was muttering "snakes on a plane" every few minutes. Now I'm alternating that with "personnel blender" and am feeling much better.

Thank you.

maarmie said...

At least they didn't announce a new "personnel condom." Just wash out - and reuse!

mathew said...

the personnel condom would certainly explain a follow-up email for a plumping company.

blackbird said...

it is becoming terribly obvious to me that you are infatuated with small appliances.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, no longer a "Betters," I see. Maybe you should have a category of links for "Worsers" or "Worsts" (though people might think you're talking about liver worst, which is even less flattering). Anyway, just popping in to say hello. Hello.


Chris said...

Sometimes simply washing out a blender doesn't get the job done. A little elbow grease is necessary. Also, it will be necessary to dismantle the blender to get at all of the nooks and crannies and what not. Can't have scraps of stale personnel floating about.