Wednesday, March 08, 2006

year zero in palinode's palace and elsewhere on the property, as defined by the hedges

Monday: 113 unique visitors, 167 page loads.

Dooceday: 4831 unique visitors, 7384 page loads.

Ye gods. I'm never going to get hits like that again, unless I host live streaming media of my upcoming cosmetic surgery to look more like Colin Farrell (step 1: staple caterpillars to eyebrows; step 2: all done!). And all it took it was a few minutes to make fun of one piece of mail.

Well, I can see which side my bread's buttered on. Time to make fun of everything else in my mailbox.

1) What's this? Ah-ha. Ah ha ha ha. It's my power bill! What a larf! These schnooks want money for electricity! Hey dudes - I'll just rub my cat against a blanket if I want to build up a charge, if you see where I'm going with that - and you do, don't you? Suck it, Power Company!

2) Oh! My aching sides! Phone and internet now! They want my money. Hey Phone Company, why don't you just phone me? Don't you know my number? I'll pick up if I'm not too busy ignoring you because holy crap, I owe you a lot of money.

3) Someone stop my swift tilt to the floor, please! It's misaddressed mail! Wait, that's not funny. That's just stuff that got lost.

4) A pizza flyer. New specials... choice of toppings... don't forget to ask for that tumor-looking crust that Jessica Simpson feeds to teenage boys... whatever happened to the P'zone Revolution? Did it go underground? Splinter into factions? Must ask when I order...

5) Hey, my grandmother sent me an Easter card early! That's nice of her. I treasure the cards and notes she sends, because one day they'll serve as a remembrance of her. My chest will be an ark bearing her memory over the dark cold ocean of the future.

Okay, all done. Man, making fun of mail, that's good stuff.

15 comments:

mathew said...

i don't get anything good in the mail either.

Serenity Now! said...

Yes, I sure did find you because of Dooce... and your cute little wife too... bookmarked you both, I did!

blackbird said...

ah, yes, the day after...

I was linked by The Manolo one day.
only
just
one
day.

It'll never be like that again.

CarpeDM said...

I actually found you through someone else, can't remember who now, but have been reading you on and off since then.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be linked to by Dooce. Scary but cool.

grrrbear said...

Yeah, don't feel bad if you don't get 4000+ hits every day. I was linked by Althouse once for my moving photo-blog of the Virgin Mary Salt Stain by my house and got about 1200 hits that day. It tapered off.

*I'll* be back though. This is good stuff.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

What, no credit card solicitations? That's what half my mail is. You must not be quite as awesome as I am.

palinode said...

Oh yeah, credit card offers. I forgot about those. I prefer the pushy assholes that call you up on your days off, somehow thinking that they're offering you a great deal, when what they offer is constant low-level debt.

Spirophita said...

Anonymous Midwest Girl--you must have excellent credit.

And seriously, with the bills, I can top 'em. I have two books I've lost from the libraries, worth (get this) $100 a piece. Then there are the parking tickets and fines that keep getting sent, old chiropractic bills, credit card bills, and all of the other dumb shit left by the nice postman. I doubt Jessica Simpson actually eats that pizza.

The postman once told me "please don't throw that out in front of me" when I threw out all of the Valusave coupons, pizza delivery hand-outs, and community involvement books he had dropped in my mailbox. The audacity!

Velvet Sacks said...

Too funny! I'm also one of those who found you through Dooce, and I plan on sticking around.

FYI, these mailout people must have access to pretty good information. My ValuPak mailings used to have coupons for sexy undies, cute clothes and hair care products. The very first one I got after I turned 50 contained coupons for support hose, corn plasters, Flexibeds and motorized scooters. Ouch!

sgazzetti said...

I read dooce and you, not necessarily in that order, but today I was at her page first and saw the link. My first thought was for your poor little server. Did you smell it smoking at all? Or did it just burst into flames all at once?

wordgirl said...

Here because of Dooce. Sticking around because you're funny.

wordgirl said...

I'm here because of Dooce. I'm staying because you're funny.

FawnDoo said...

Have to admit to being here via Dooce, but will be sticking around because of the quality of the stuff here. Capital that man, capital.

Victoria Winters said...

It's good to be liked by Dooce.
When she shares the link love, she REALLY shares!

Victoria Winters said...

It's good to be liked by Dooce.
When she shares the link love, she REALLY shares! (But I read you before that anyway.)