Tuesday, January 17, 2006

many words, no punchlines, all free

Part I: dialogue

Night. Palinode and Schmutzie supine, blanketed.

Schmutzie: It was nice to see Blair today.

Palinode: I didn't recognize any of the people she was with.

Schmutzie: Anna was sitting next to her.

Palinode: Who's Anna?

Schmutzie: The one with the black bobbed hair.

Palinode: Um...

Schmutzie: The one sitting next to Blair?

Palinode: Wait - is that, uh...

Schmutzie: What?

Palinode: Is she the one with the um, the, you know...

Schmutzie: The what?

Palinode: You know, the one with the knife sticking out of her forehead?

Schmutzie: What? No.

Palinode: Because -

Schmutzie: No.

Palinode: I'm pretty sure -

Schmutzie: Anna does not have a knife sticking out of her forehead.

Palinode: Sure, she's the one going around all la-dee-da, look-at-me, I'm-so-emo-stylish, but really she's got a knife sticking out of her forehead.

Schmutzie: I don't think so.

Palinode: And it ruins the effect.

Schmutzie: Sure. Why not.

Palinode: She makes like it's not there but she even has to part her hair around it.


Palinode: Hey. Wake up.

Schmutzie: Wha?

Palinode: Who was the girl sitting directly across from Blair?

Schmutzie: I think that was Cara.

Palinode: The one with the meat hook in her leg?

Schmutzie: Silence.

Palinode: Because that must hurt.

Schmutzie: Silence.

Palinode: A meat hook in the leg must hurt.

Schmutzie: You woke me up just to say 'meat hook in the leg,' didn't you?

Palinode: No, I woke you up for sex.

Schmutzie: And you thought the phrase 'meat hook in the leg' was a good way to get it?

Palinode: I'm oblique.

Part II: monologue

Day. Kitchen. Palinode eating rice crackers, Schmutzie adjacent.

Schmutzie: What are you doing?

Palinode: Mmph.

Schmutzie: What are you doing? What is that smell? It's corn. You smell like corn. You do. OH MY GOD you smell like corn. It's true. Really.

Palinode: Mmph.

Schmutzie: What are you eating? YOU REALLY SMELL LIKE CORN. What the hell are those? (grabs package) RICE CRACKERS? YOU SMELL LIKE CORN. WHAT'S GOING ON?

Palinode: I dunno.

Schmutzie: Go on. Go into the living room. YOU SMELL LIKE CORN. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

This went on for a bit. Apparently I smelled like corn.

Update: When I thought that Anna had a knife in her forehead, I was clearly confusing her with this here item. I'm sorry, Anna.


mathew said...

people who think having a knife holder like that is cool shouldn't really be allowed to own knives.

schmutzie doesn't like the smell of corn? which corn smell? corn on the cob? corn chips? corn bread? corn husks? i myself am rather fond of corn chip and corn bread smell, but don't care for the rest. i don't know that i'd kick someone out of the room for smelling like it though.

schmutzie said...

Actually, I quite like the smell of corn, but that night, the smell of really burnt corn was heavy around him in such a way that it blotted out all other odours. I could smell corn, and only corn, when he was near.

Also, as crazy as it sounds, these conversations actually happened. I'm not kidding.

palinode said...

I guess you could say that I smelled like corn in only the way that a man who's been eating rice crackers can smell like corn, ie. not at all.

palinode said...


mathew said...

ugbull is the new salud

i don't believe i've ever smelled burnt corn, unless it's burnt popcorn and in that case i would have kicked the fiery one out of the house.

Miss A said...

I once found a ramen noodle in my underpants when in fact I had not eaten ramen noodles at all. It's still a mystery.

palinode said...

Ramen Mysteries. Sundays at 9 on Discovery. Since the dawn of time humanity has been fascinated by the mysterious ramen noodle. We trace the evolution and unlikely appearances of this mysterious piece of pasta, from the pyramids of Egypt to Miss A's underwear.

There's also a pretty good Flying Spaghetti Monster joke hiding in there somewhere.

Mathew: you could never kick me out of the house. I'm 400 pounds, confined to my bed, and when anyone approaches I make a high-pitched keening sound that sometimes brings the police.

Just kidding. 145 pounds and very approachable.

The other me said...

Rice cakes ....hmmmm how can something that smells so totally revolting taste so totally unrevolting ( I wanted to say taste goo dbut somehow they are just not revolting) My mum says they smell like old ladies, do old ladies smell of corn?

palinode said...

Old ladies smell catabolic.