Sunday, November 13, 2005

a few things

First, I'd like to thank Finslippy for linking to me and my talented wife Schmutzie, but I'm a little concerned with the excerpt that shows, to a giant chunk of the blogobunch, that I am the kind of guy that throws his garbage into his wife's bath. As you can readily guess, no such thing happened. What loving husband would toss out the trash into the tub? Here's what really went on:

Lazy lazy afternoon. Schmutzie in the bath. Palinode passes by, holding an apple core. He wants nothing more than to dispose of his core in a socially responsible manner.

Schmutzie: Hey you...

Palinode: Yes?

Schmutz: Can you come in here for a second?

Pal: I have to throw out this apple core. It's very important.

S: Come in here first.

P: I was about to phone the community garden and see if they needed this apple core for composting. They're closing in ten minutes and if I don't get this core into their compost in time, the food bank may not have enough fresh corn and tomatoes to feed the starving children of the city. Whatever you need from me, weigh it first against the needs of the starving children.

S: Let's not disappoint the social Darwinists. Come in here.

P: But -

S: And bring that apple core in here.

P: Okay, here I am.

S: Good, now throw the apple core in my bath.

P: What? That's crazy.

S: Don't ask questions, just throw it in.

P: I don't know why you want this, but I can't be a part of it.

S: Whatever.

Schmutzie sits up in the bath and bats the apple core out of Palinode's hand. The old brown remnant of fruit lands in the water with a sodden splash.

S: Now that's what I'm talking about.

P: Oh my god. runs out of room.

S: Whatever.

P: (from next room) Hello? Community Gardens? I can't bring the apple core in. Will the children be alright? Will they - Oh good lord. I'm so sorry.

S: Well, I got my bit of trash. That's what counts.

She runs a bit more hot water. The core bobs and swirls under the stream, eliciting a high-pitched titter from Schmutzie. A howl of socially responsible activist despair arises from the next room.

Okay, so I set the record straight. Next up, people have been reporting troubles with their gander (see last entry, in which I do not suggest but simply advise people on the use of ganders in analysis and argument). As this confusing image may or may not demonstrate, ganders are highly prized creatures:

What the hell is this anyway? I found it on the internet

The lesson to be drawn from this is that ganders are so rare, so valuable, that even artificial ones can inspire incomprehensible sports contests. So don't complain if your gander is giving you trouble. Just be thankful.


alice said...

Oh, god, this is funny. It does not, however, convince me that you are not one of them garbage-tossing sickos.

palinode said...

Well, it convinces me.

Actually, I was disappointed how unfazed she was by the apple core. I was certain that she'd be grossed out. I know I was.

alice said...

If you insist. But you know, there are website for that kind of fetish. You may be sick, but you're not alone.

Lynn said...

I love hearing the other side of the story. I now feel I have a really balanced perspective on what actually transpired.

palinode said...

If you take everything I wrote about the incident and toss it aside, then you'll have a good idea of what actually happened.

TB said...

On a related note, my husband often takes beverages into the shower with him - beer, coffee - I think it's morally wrong, although I sometimes enjoy a glass of wine in the bath.
And Alice - "You may be sick, but you're not alone" - the perfect marketing slogan for the internets.

savia said...

Finally, the truth comes out! I always knew there was more to the story than Schmutzie was letting on...

palinode said...

I was going to construct a scenario with Die Schmutz confessing to an erotic fantasy involving a dark handsome stranger come to take out the trash who instead drops apple cores and gardenias into the tub, but... ya know.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Okay, I admit I followed the wave from Finslippy and did not discover your gem of a blog on my own, but I'm claiming it. I just put it in my bookmarks, and now am trying hard - and failing miserably - to stop laughing. This. Is. Great.

Gaunilo said...

Wow. Congratulations (on the link, not the bath...but as far as that goes, that too). I always knew you'd make it big. Now I can be an annoying hipster and say, 'Yeah, I read Palinode before he got popular. Now he's just sold out.'

palinode said...

See, now I have to keep my audience. And man, they're heavy.

Belinda said...

The first time through, on Schmutzie's blog (by which I mean when I read the TRUE story of the apple-core incident), I really did feel your disappointment in her not considering the apple core as "trash."

You have to understand that we women have been conditioned over the years by the bodywash and shampoo industry that fruit in our cleansing ritual is a GOOD thing.