Sunday, November 07, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.


This one will be easy. Or will it?

Folks, there are so many things in this world that I hope I never have to do. Fight a child soldier, for example. That would be such an awkward deadly encounter. What kind of bragging rights would killing a nine year old get me? There's also the intrinsic creepiness of tiny people attacking you and ramming the butt of a Kalashnikov into your crotch. What if the child soldier ran at me and started crawling up my body like a giant insect? A giant insect with two missing legs and an endoskeleton? I'd think I'd lay down and die, just to get the whole thing over with. No sir, I do not want to fight a child soldier.

On the other hand, I stand a reasonable chance of winning - at least, I'd stand a better chance of winning a fight against a member of the Lord's Resistance Army than I would against a Navy Seal. If I found myself in a death match situation, I'd pick the brainwashed nine year old over the guy who could disembowel me with a toothpick and rewire my corpse to walk into an embassy and explode.

The other thing I really don't want to do is eat human flesh. If you're eating people, then there are only so many possible scenarios that can lead up to the act, and none of them are good. Seriously, it is not likely that you'd be about to bite into a chunk of co-pilot or neighbour or whatever and pause to think, "Gee, life is sweet." The best possible scenario is that society has dropped its moral compass to the ground, and now you live in some wackadoo dystopia where ladyfingers from real ladies are all the rage.

Now that I think about it, I bet if you're really rich, you've probably eaten human flesh. If you have money enough to satisfy any desire, sooner or later you'll want to see how far you can push it. That's what I'd do. I'd hire someone to cook me their body parts. He'd be my butler, my cook and my food source all in one. Eventually he'd make a pretty bad butler and an even worse cook (once the legs go, it's tough to reach the controls on the stove). So I guess I do want to eat human flesh, since it's a perverted corollary of my desire for immense wealth. A desire for wealth is really a desire for the access to experience that wealth grants you. So it's likely that I also want to hire an athletic barbershop quartet to function as living stilts that sing in four-part harmony as I stride through the night across my vast estate. My estate on Saturn! I'm pretending to be so rich right now, you have no idea.

The third thing I don't want to do is be the guy who works up the live studio audience before an episode of Two and a Half Men. I just don't see the upside in it. And I'm a guy who can see the upside in killing nine year olds and eating his butler.

***

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

9 comments:

Melissa said...

I love this so much.

sweetsalty kate said...

I love this much more than Melissa.

flutter said...

I love this even more than kate and melissa. so that's like, a lot.

TwoBusy said...

I don't know Melissa, and so while it's possible that at some point in my life I will come to love her more than I love this, right now it's a no-contest. Sorry, Melissa.

The Holmes said...

I giggled a lot, especially the part about the Navy Seal going all Dr. Frankenstein on his or her victims.

Dawn said...

Sweet fancy moses, this made me guffaw.

Sadly because I have had similar mental conversations with myself.

Which either makes me an excellent survivalist or a freak who should be shunned.

Helvetica said...

Thank you for the phrase "wackadoo dystopia". It will keep me smiling for a whole day. Also, I am having fun imagining you as Emperor Bokassa II.

Jen Wilson said...

You are seriously hilarious. The last line being my favorite.

Anonymous said...

I also guffawed at this, but for me it was the part of working up the audience before Two and a Half Men. What a ridiculous show.

And I'm sure Melissa is very nice, but I have to be truthful. I love everyone, but not enough to tell them.

- SM -