Friday, July 30, 2010

Emergency Euphemism Resupply Depot

The world needs euphemisms. Every day we find new perversions, and the demand for delicate phrases to cover them up continues to keep pace. As long as civilization demands a base level of hypocrisy, we will need suggestive phrases that throw an antimacassar over the ugly headrest of truth.

The problem is, we are running out of euphemisms. No one is inventing whole new languages, and the economic downturn is affecting the steady production of metaphors that serve as base ingredients in the development process. Fortunately, I have a home euphemism distillery in my basement, and I'm giving away a few free samples.

Sex

"Firing the Electron Gun" - watching porn
"Gerrymandering your Districts" - adultery
"Raising the Hoof" - bestiality or driving across state lines for sex
"Reading the Buffy Comics" - generally taking things beyond the point when it stops being fun

Drugs

"Coors-Lighting It" - smoking crack with an old Coors Light bottle
"Heinekening It" - Heineken? Fuck that shit! Smoke your crack through an old Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle.
"Genuine Miller Chill Lime Beering It" - deliberately drinking Miller Chill Lime Beer

Other Vices

"Ol' Two Toes" - sloth or accident victim or ninjas
"Ol' Three Toes"- again, sloth, but used to refer to people primarily in the rainforests of Central and South America, an area which stretches from Nicaragua down into Bolivia and Brazil, and extends as far as Peru. Also, they are surprisingly agile swimmers.
"Tea Taster" - not really a euphemism but the actual name for those who indulge too heavily in the 'brew', a vice leading to neurasthenia, phthisis and In Search of Lost Time.

Miscellaneous

"Sergeant-at-arms" - In Israel this euphemism is called the "katzin ha-Knesset". This is a rare euphemism that has undergone almost no exposure to metaphor, and so has no pejorative meaning. Prized by connoisseurs and very expensive. Supplies are limited, so contact me for more.

3 comments:

Jen Wilson said...

Miller Chill Lime Beer is GROSS. Heinekin goes well with weed. (Not that I'd know.) (I just heard from a ... friend.)

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

A euphemism generator that will provide innuendo until the proverbial cows come back to their proverbial home.

http://walkingdead.net/perl/euphemism

Elizabeth said...

Oh, good. I need someone who can generate a euphemism for dreaming in porn. That seems to be all that the main character in the story I'm posting at www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com. can do. I hope you will take a peek.

You are dead on .... civilization does demand hypocrisy and we do dance around the truth. Lovely to find another who sees it.