Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Facts In The Case of S. Chmutzie

[A sunlit street in late afternoon. The sound of jackhammers echoing off buildings, the strum of a bored busker's guitar receding as Palinode and Schmutzie walk home from work. Schmutzie is trying to tell Palinode something relevant and interesting, which is always the necessary condition for this kind of nonsense].

Palinode: Tell me. Do you like scrubs?

Schmutzie: Medical scrubs?

Palinode: No. I'm referring to the kind of guy who can't get no love from you.

Schmutzie: Like - a scrubby guy?

Palinode: Hanging out the passenger's side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at you.

Schmutzie: No, that person sounds like a douche.

Palinode: I knew you would say that. It is my latest piece of evidence that you are, in fact, TLC.

Schmutzie: Your latest piece?

Palinode: Yes. For example, what is your position on chasing waterfalls? Do you recommend it?

Schmutzie: Waterfalls don't actually go anywhere. There's lots of motion but no movement.

Palinode: So you would say not to chase waterfalls?

Schmutzie: No. There's really no point. You can just walk up to them.

Palinode: I am now nearly convinced that you are TLC. Here is the third and final question. Do you hang out with Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes anymore?

Schmutzie: No. She's dead.

Palinode: So you no longer hang out with her.

Schmutzie: I never -

Palinode: Aaahahahha talktalktalk. You are TLC and you have all but admitted it.

Schmutzie: [silence]

Palinode: As a bonus question, would you be interested in giving me the red light special all night long?

Schmutzie: Ew.

Palinode: You're still TLC to me.


Colleen said...

This is all very well and good but some key facts still need to be established:

1) Is he too proud to beg?

2) Do you make him feel unpretty? And if so, has he threatened to kick you in the head yet?

3) Did he date and then get dumped by Usher?

palinode said...

Those are totally legitimate question, and I will be conducting additional research. Although I think you have your genders mixed up.

Schmutzie said...

Oh ha ha.

i am the diva said...

i KNEW it!!

Miss Grace said...

I love this pretty hard and a lot.

Deb said...

See, this is why we need relationships, to hold up a mirror and teach us things we don't even know about ourselves. Up with people!

Tyler said...

You are a very lucky man. Lucky that she doesn't burn your house down.

palinode said...

It's lucky that we live in the same house. I think that's what's keeping me from the flames.

Cecilieaux said...

I've read and re-read this in my reader. It's quite funny, even though I had to google TLC to even come close to guessing what or who TLC is (besides S. Chmutzie). Thought you'd want to know.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Then she crept out of there and you KNEW.