- Scandium (Sc) – Not to be too harsh, but scandium is laughable. Scandium is commonly found in a mineral called thortveitite. WTF? Is that even a real mineral? Scandium, are you real? Or did I just drunkenly make you up in order to feel superior to something? And why am I covered in blood? Wait, that’s something different.
- Titanium (T) – I’ll give you one thing, titanium: you’re nicely resistant to damp chlorine gas. You don’t lower yourself to suit chlorine’s abominable standards. But I prefer my metals with a bit more density, you know what I’m saying? Don’t you walk away from me. I own you.
- Vanadium (V) – As a healthy adult male weighing about 150 lbs, I contain a whopping 0.002043 grams of vanadium. How disappointing. I wanted enough for a full-on vanadium skeleton. Vanadium, I showed up to the party with all my bones. You sent a crappy Hallmark card with some sad kittens on it. I can't believe Hallmark is doing lolcats now.
- Chromium (Cr) – Don’t you have anything better to do than pose in photographs with classic cars and dead movie icons? You were cool in 1963. Now you’re as rebellious as Lawrence Welk, except I’d rather rub my body up against that grand MC of schmaltz than your shiny cool reflective surfaces. Hold on, I may not have thought this through.
- Manganese (Mn) – Oh you talentless wannabe. You are no Magnesium. You know I paid 125 bucks to see Magnesium in concert last summer when I went to Vegas? I think you know what I’m going to say next. You've heard it from every fan who showed up that night with a souvenir T-shirt and a dream in their heart. I don't want my money back. It's not about the money.
- Iron (Fe) – Hey, iron, can you see me waving from the twenty-first century? It must be nice back there in the Victorian era. Where you're still relevant. Yeah, stay wrought, Pony Boy. Stay wrought.
- Cobalt (Co) – I have a word for you, cobalt, and you’re not going to like it. Are you ready? Marmite. That’s right, cobalt, I’ve discovered your dirty little secret. You’re the worm at the heart of the rose, except use ‘spreadable yeast extract’ for ‘rose’, and ‘sneaky metal’ for ‘worm’.
- Nickel (Ni) – Oh this is just too delicious. You never thought you’d end up on a list like this, did you, nickel? But your time has come. You stay put while I find something to insult you with. You’ve got a weakness, nickel, and I’m going to find it.
- Copper (Cu) – There’s not much to say about you, copper. You’re just kind of brown and bland. But I have to ask: why do you like being pipes so much? That’s kind of gross when you think about it.
- Zinc (Z) – I have never seen such a blatant flouting of alphabetical order in all my life. Zinc, you should be right at the end of the line after yttrium, but you just had to jump the queue and get in at number thirty. What’s that? Zirconium? Why you smart-mouthed little son of a bitch.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
insulting the elements #3: scandium to zinc
Wow, people, I wish we had a better class of elements to show you. But sometimes you have to work with what you've got.
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13 comments:
Maybe it's because I memorized the Tom Lehrer song in high school so I could pass chemistry class... Maybe it's just because I'm a geek... Whichever it is, I am enjoying every word of this series.
As a chemist I am loving this series, though I'm also a geek enough to have to say that you've now slammed magnesium twice and manganese seems to have escaped your wrath. It must pay!
If you could have this series illustrated when you're done I would so pay good money for a poster to hang in my office. Seriously.
Crap. I don't read very well. Forgive me for being an arse and commenting in error regarding the nonexistent confusion of Mg and Mn. I was overly excited. Geeked out.
not undecided - Oh no, I slammed manganese but good. I called it a wannabe magnesium.
An illustrated version has occurred to me, actually.
Ha ha! Too late! You were in error! IN ERROR! Wait, this is pointless triumphalism. Don't leave. Don't leave me.
I freaking HATE zinc.
That's all I'm going to say.
I'll tell you Nickel's weakness - its association with the lame-ass awful band Nickelback. That alone is damning. There could be no Nickelback without Nickel; therefore, Nickel sucks.
Oh I am in for the long haul on this series...and seriously. I need a periodic table for my office. Insults would be icing on the cake! I could probably get a dozen orders just here in my office. People will love it!
this is "anonymous" from yesterday the one that asked for a part 3? I just wanted to say thanks and yay for part 3! although I did think part two was way funnier but yea.. I always wondered why Potassium got the K? that makes no f*kin sense! But I always remembered it because it made no f*kin sense so maybe thats why idk...
anonymous - Hey, it's all diminishing returns from here on in. I mean, what the hell am I going to say about ytterbium?
OH, also (its me again) I read these to my husband last night just to see what he would think, and he's like "this guy must be some kind of a scientist or have way too much time on his hands or something" he asked me if you looked all this up as you wrote it out and I'm all, I dont know the guy so tell me, the where, whens and hows so I can relay the message to my hubby and sound cool beacuse you actually answered me. thanks again :)
anonymous - I'm happy to answer all your questions, especially if it facilitates conversation between you and your husband. In fact, when you're not divorced in ten years, you can look back at this Friday and realize that it was me - ME - who saved your marriage. Not the dog or the baby or the counsellor, but me.
I am no scientist, and yes, I look this stuff up. In the past few days I have found out more about the elements than I ever thought possible. Much of the chemistry is unfathomable to me, but it's surprisingly easy to convert a mathematical expression into a means of mocking an inanimate substance. As your husband guessed, I clearly have too much time on my hands.
Also, if you're coming by to comment every so often, I'd love it if you left a name. That way I can distinguish from the other anonymice.
awesome, I follow you on twitter @leeannandcaleb its just easier to put anonymous I guess. I have a blogger u/n and p/w but they elude me right now so whatever. I love your blog. cant wait to tell the hubby about this , its very exciting to me so you can see my life must be very boring in fact.
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