Wednesday, September 17, 2008

weathering the coming financial crisis the hacker's way

Everyone, except for the cyborgs, is nervous about the storms that are raging through the global financial system. Giants of finance and insurance have keeled over in mid-step or been picked off by bigger dinosaurs. Even trusted banks such as Washington Mutual are hemorraghing assets. What should we do? cry the humans. Should we grab all our funds and turn them into gold? And weapons? Whom will save us?

First of all, it's who, not whom. Come on, humans. Second, in times of crisis, do like the cyborgs do: hack your way to riches and fame and financial security.

Step 1: Hack your Bank!

For the unitiated, hacking sounds formidable. Fortunately Hollywood has provided a complete guide for 'newbies'. Posing as an up-and-coming executive for your bank, call the night security guard at the place where your bank keeps its big supercomputer. Tell the guard that you need the IP address on the bottom of the modem (the IP address is the modem's 'phone number') in order to access your files. If he or she balks at your request, tell him that your ass is on the line. Then say, "C'mon, man, help me out here". This works every time.

Once you have the IP address, type it into your computer somewhere. If you do it correctly, your computer screen will start turning all kinds of colours and Greek symbols and numbers will fly across the screen. This is your cue to start typing madly. I'm not sure what you're supposed to type at this point, but in all honesty I don't think it matters. Eventually you will break through the symbols and come to core of the supercomputer. The core will look something like this:

Congratulations! You have successfully hacked your bank's computer.

Step 2: Find your Files!

Do not worry about security at this point. Unless the designer of the system happens to be on the system at the very same time, your presence will likely go undetected. If you do happen encounter this man, though, run like hell. Above all do not ask him any questions:


'Hack along' through the corridors until you locate a file called "Your Savings Account" or something similar. Select the file, right-click and select "Copy".

Step 3: Show Yourself the Money!

Now that you have your funds, you want to 'deposit' them on your computer - which, as everyone knows, is way more secure than some giant bank of cooled servers with multiple backups. Am I right? You don't know those servers, but you sure know your home computer, with its gigabytes of storage capacity. Right-click on the desktop, select "Paste," and voila: your money is now safe and secure on your computer.

Step 4 (optional): Protect yourself!

Up until now, everything I've suggested has been with the intent of protecting your money in these uncertain times. But what if you need even more protection? As all rich people know, the best protection you can buy is more money. While you were hacking through the supercomputer core of your bank, you probably noticed many other accounts. But which accounts should you take notice of? The ones with the most money, obviously. A rule of thumb for finding the accounts with the most money is to look for the largest file. Duh.

Congratulations on your newfound wealth and security! You'll need it to buy yourself a place in the cyborg society of the near, near, so very near future. Ah crap, here they are.


ozma said...

This is a brilliant, hilarious post. This is SUCH a brilliant post. Damn, this is one of those times I want to say something clever and amusing that shows my appreciation but I can't.

I laughed, I cried. I posted.

Deb on the Rocks said...

I've always known that it was the typing speed thing that was keeping me from hacking properly. Right now I'm only fast enough to get into the Aveda cosmetology school to give myself a certificate to do nails, so in a way that will help me weather the financial crisis. Though maybe people will start cutting back on mani-pedis and start cutting their own nails. Hmmm.

And ditto what Ozma said.

palinode said...

ozma - I just know how to hack, that's all. Next up, I'm going to show the world the foolishness of war by making a military supercomputer play tic-tac-toe.

What I'm waiting for is to have someone come by and tell me that I don't know the first thing about hacking.

deb - I always wondered how people with crazy long nails managed to type quickly.

lotus07 said...

A bit overly simplified....but basically correct.

Chris said...

I was talking to some guy "whom" this other guy knows "whom" I know. He said you're pretty much over-simplifying it.

palinode said...

lotus07 & chris - I could have gone into more detail on the hacking, it's true. But I think that average folks can still follow my instructions and find themselves with more fame, wealth and sexual satisfaction than they ever dreamed possible.

There's one crucial step that I failed to include, though: Believe In Yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, you're never gonna make it happen.

Helvetica said...

Actually, I think that (although correct per Hollywood's portrayal of hacking) it is more important to Believe in your Country than to Believe in Yourself. After all, a country is only collective belief so if everyone clapped their hands and said it didn't exist, it wouldn't. Then how would we keep the immigrant hordes at bay? Not by computer hacking.

Jaywalker said...

Ok. Copy, paste. I can totally do that. Oh, but am I allowed to be British?! That's going to be a problem, right? I have to be the evil supervillain system designer. Damn! Oh well, at least I can stroke my beard and look Machiavellian when I am ruined..

Lovely post Palinode.

palinode said...

helvetica - Ahh, who believes in countries anymore? They're so geographically defined and boring. I'm surprised the immigrant hordes don't show up and say "Lame!" Well, I've got a message for those immigrants: you may say that we're lame, but it turns out that you are rubber, and that I am definitely glue.

I lost my point somewhere.

jaywalker - Yeah, Britishness is going to be a problem, since there's a pretty good chance (about 85%) that you're an evil mastermind genius. But your arrogance will be your undoing, primarily because you keep delegating the most important tasks (ie. killing Bruce Willis) to underlings and henchfolk. Also, living in Brussels will pose a problem, because all the streets have two names. How the FUCK do you get around that city?

Jaywalker said...

I send my underlings around teh city for me, and sit at the centre of my web of evil, stroking my beard.

My street has THREE names. Yeah, get me. 33% extra free!

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Intrepid Tuesday!

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

WOW, use to be this old dude didn't even know what a hacker was, and now I are one----aint american great?? I don't keep my sheckels in a bank, but do have a credit union---will the plan you outlined work for credit unions too, will my fellow credit union members be pissed at me?

Gary (old dude)

palinode said...

Gary - Here is the problem with trying to hack a credit union. Credit unions are communist institutions, and communists tend to store their funds not in computers but underneath the seat of a tractor. The key to 'hacking' your credit union is to go to your credit union farm posing as a tractor repairman. Make sure that you finish every statement with "...comrade" and be sure to wink frequently at people. Then, when you inspect the tractor, tell them that the vehicle needs to go to the 'glorious shop of the people'. You can even provide them with a number and a location. Then - and this is crucial - give them an estimate for repairs that is at least equal to the sum of your deposits. They'll fall for it because they're communists.