Monday, September 01, 2008

free character name giveaway

Are you blocked up, writing-wise? Are words and images that should come easily to you, not? Are cliches barreling at you like expertly thrown bowling balls, assuming in this scenario that you're a pin, when they should be badly thrown bowling balls, still assuming that you're a pin? It's because you probably haven't picked the correct names for the characters in the story that will launch you on your way to worldwide fame and glittery ease.

I pity you blocked-up folks. I have so much worldwide fame and glittery ease that I don't know what to do with it all. I also have lots of character names that I once dreamed of using but now probably never will, because I have lost the use of my hands. So here are the names of all the characters that I was going to unleash on my aborted manuscript about life in an abandoned mill town during the robot apocalypse. Feel free to take these names and use them in your work.

Jack Canvance (salesman)
Fenton Fantod IV (old money)
Irvin Girvin Grant (retired postman, hooked on ayahuasca, now lost in a Civil War reenactment)
Mel Krun (lays siege to the hardware store)
Chas Batson (new money trying to pass himself off as old money)
Dierdre O'Donnell (the fiery Irish lass with the child of unknown provenance)
Declan Ng (the half-Irish half-Korean half-brother to Ms. O'Donnell)
Bodey Theriault (the independent woman who runs the bar on the edge of town)
Arvie Partsinsales (the cross-dressing hardware store owner)
Zephyr Caulfield (a child of the meadows)
Rupert the Boar (not just a character - this one's a freaking franchise)
Chris T. Figure (the villain... or is he?)

As you can see, nearly every ingredient for a genre-busting novel of the robot apocalypse has been laid out for you. There's no way you can screw this up, unless you accidentally overthrow the government by force. But I don't see how that follows from writing a novel.


Nate said...

Hmmm - my novel is about people overthrowing the government with a complete lack of force. So I'm totally taking Declan Ng and running with him. Thanks!

Disgraced Media Baron said...

This reminds me of one of the time-wasting afternoons spent at our old place of work, trying to come up with names for unpopular cartoon characters. If memory serves, we never did come up with one to top "Statutory Ape".

palinode said...

nate - Be well with Declan.

dmbaron - That's even better than "Aggravated Ape". Or the Simpsons classic "Ku Klux Clam".

Deb on the Rocks said...

I don't know about these. Do you have anything with more of an Asian feel? Or Russian even? Hate to be picky, but it is a my robot apocalypse baby we're talking about, after all!

palinode said...

deb - I don't know... I can likely find some Russian names for you, but as far as Asian-style names go, Declan Ng is as far as I go.

Disgraced Media Baron said...

I had a character in mind, a wholesale produce buyer by day and hard-boiled private eye by night, named "Bulk Crisper".

I have been patiently waiting for 15 years for the rest to write itself.

ozma said...

No novels--but if I ever get pregnant again maybe I shall return for the baby names.

Zephyr? Or Declan?

Chris said...

I feel like the corpulent German accented caterpillar in Bugs Life, "Oh, let me help you to finish it!"

One point of clarification though. Does Harvey defend his store against Mel in a low cut baby doll or something more Victorian? A chainsaw and a baby doll is more cinematic, don't you think?

Dana said...

Robots *and* monkeys??? Awesome.

"I have so much worldwide fame and glittery ease that I don't know what to do with it all."

This is true, but do you have to brag about it?