Tuesday, December 04, 2007

alternate titles for Harlan Ellison's I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

I Have No Tea And I Must Steep
I Have No Teeth And I Must Floss
I Have No Thirst And I Must Quench
I Have No Cap And I Must Doff
I Have No Pants And I Must Leave the House
I Have No Proust And I Must Bore (my wife)
I Have No Yeast And I Must Leaven
I Have No Car And I Must Needlessly Pollute While Perpetuating a Culture of Individualistic Excess
I Have No Midichlorians And I Must Be Fucking Joking. Midichlorians?
I Have No Life And I Must Blog
I Have No Blog And I Must Rant
I Have No Snipes And I Must Act
I Have No Sponge And I Must Sop
I Have No Affected Area And I Must Apply Liberally
I Have No Clue And I'm Your Boss
I Have No Bongos And I Must Start A Drum Circle in the Park Because I Am A Giant Asshole
I Have No Knees And That Is Gross
I Have No Pooch And I Must Screw
I Have No Stake and I Must Push My Irrelevant Agenda
I Have No Flair And I Must Distinguish Myself in Today's Competitive Marketplace
I Have No Porn And I Might As Well Do Something Productive


blackbird said...

Ya oughta send that in to McSweeneys.
Ya oughta.
It's awfully good.

Anonymous said...


I Have No Car And I Must Needlessly Pollute While Perpetuating a Culture of Individualistic Excess really rolls off the tongue.

palinode said...

blackbird - duly submitted to McSweeney's lists. I'll let you know how it goes.

ceridwen - Doesn't it though? That phrase was dipped in molten advertising gold.

jon deal said...

These are excellent.

I Have No Hackey-Sack And I Must Stand In A Circle With My Buds

ozma said...

Yeah, I think that is McSweeney's all the way.

I didn't read the title the first time and it was a little hard to figure out. I was worried about you at first.

wench said...

and just for la schmutzie:

I have no feet and yet must tread in endless circles until the mindless bimbos at the university decide they actually need PEOPLE in order for said organization to function in a semi-moderate fashion.

BTW what's McSweeney's?

Shelley said...

"I Have no Snipes.." is my favourite. You funny man.

helvetica said...

You know harlan ellison has NO MOUTH, right? You insensitive bastard!

sweetney said...


Dave said...

Thanks for the belly-laughs! I once wrote a blog post riffing on that title myslef, but this was funnier.

palinode said...

I haven't been getting email notifications of comments for some reason, so this was a pleasant surprise. I'm happy you've enjoyed my list.

Marie said...

I have no Wordpress and I must endlessly navigate the inanities of Blogger.

Everyone is having a problem with comments the last couple of days.

Brett said...

Oh my lordee. Too much, too great.

I Have No Shampoo And I Must Rinse. And Repeat.

I hope Harlan doesn't catch wind of this list and sue you like he did the producers of The Terminator, you demon with a glass hand you.