Friday, November 09, 2007

x365: 35 of 365: the turkeynaut


For this one, I'm going to earn a place in x365 hell.

They say there are no more heroes in the world. But to those blinkered cynics I present: The Turkeynaut.

The Turkeynaut was born from an accident involving an ordinary man, a particle accelerator and some Thanksgiving leftovers. The intense pressures tore the man out of space-time and granted him the power of instantaneous transport anywhere in the continuum between one turkey and another. He swore that he would use his newfound power to fight crime and correct the wrongs of history. Given that turkeys existed as early as the Miocene era, some 23 million years ago, The Turkeynaut has astonishing access to the past. But he is terrified of dinosaurs and has a fondness for central heating, so he sticks to the twentieth century.

There are certain disadvantages to his power, chief among them the fact that he usually ends up at farms and supermarkets (he can transport between living and dead turkeys, providing that the turkey still has its snood or gizzard intact). But there's nothing stopping him from catching a cab or a bus to the scene of the crime. The other disadvantages rest with his ineffectual manner and ill-fitting costume, which usually get him beaten up before he's able to stop or prevent crimes.

I met The Turkeynaut on Christmas Day, 1985, when I was young enough to enjoy superhero stories but old enough to have resigned myself to their nonexistence. I believed that if heroes were to exist, then we would have be the ones to step up and fulfill those roles. Then The Turkeynaut appeared out of a Butterball on the kitchen counter. He went for a brief walk and came back with a bag of chips and a cut over his eye. I asked him to stay for supper.

I'm wanted in the 1700s, kid, he said. And besides, your supper is my ticket out of here. Why don't you have the rest of my chips?

They were dill pickle flavour. And kind of damp.

Thanks Turkeynaut, I said.

Don't thank me, The Turkeynaut said. This job sucks. And he exited via the dark meat.

Godspeed, Turkeynaut.

11 comments:

BarbaraCA said...

God DAMN it, *I* was going to write abut the Turkeynaut for my 50th x365. He's my third favorite of all the intraspace transmigratory poultry heroes.

palinode said...

barbaraCA - You snooze, you lose. You probably snoozed from eating too much turkey in the hopes of attracting The Turkeynaut for an interview. He probably did show up, only to find you passed out in a bed of white meat.

Gwen said...

Is this one of those Canadian things? Or am I not supposed to get it?

palinode said...

Gwen - You may be looking for something more to get than I had in mind. I made up a superhero with a bizarre power, which may be a bit Canadian, but there's no hidden anything to get. But I invite you to hope in the healing power of The Turkeynaut.

palinode said...

Sorry, my last comment didn't make a whole lot of sense. Stupid codeine.

Gwen said...

::walks over to cabinet to get a left-over vicodin in the hopes that the turkeynaut will visit her tonight::

palinode said...

Remember: all you need is a turkey, a dream and that vicodin.

Gwen said...

Reminds me of The Jerk -

"All I need is this turkey and this vicodin. I don't need anything else. I don't need one other thing, not one. Except this dream. I need the turkey, the vicodin and the dream. And that's all I need."

Deb said...

I never have left over Vicodin, so it's good to know you do, Gwen.

Rebecca said...

That turkey has a distinguished, almost David Niven-ish, look about him.

palinode said...

For sure, he is a wise and dashing turkey. Actually, the photo captures the expression of surprise as the Turkeynaut materializes in front of him.