Thursday, September 13, 2007

letter of welcome

A message from John “Do Want!” Kornford, President and CEO of Inc.

Oh hai!

On behalf of Inc. board and staff, let me welcome you to the most exciting new corporation to come along in years - or as we would say, yearz!

I’m extremely pleased that you “do want” to be “wurkin in r company, maximizing r and ur profitz”. As a new employee, you’ve got the chance to get in on the first major wave of Lolcats mania. Our professional research has shown that captioning amateur photos of cats with humorous 'leet-style' pidgin grammar is about to hit the mainstream – and the mainstream will never be the same. “Halp!” Our competitors will cry, “Youz invaded r murket shair!” And that’s just the beginning.

At, we’re in it for the long haul. We like career-minded people who are serious about their prospects for the corporation. We think you’ve got what it takes to ride the wave to the future, riding aboard our unique two-plank corporate vision:

1. Lolcats

2. Profit!

Are you aboard with us? Of course you are! I am aware that my nautical metaphor is not the best suited for a company whose product involves cats, but I’m sure you will understand that it is just a metaphor, and that no cats are intended to be aboard, metaphorically or literally. That also means that employees are not permitted to bring cats into the building, as we share space with an allergy clinic and it is not considerate to their clients to have cats escaping into their offices and bringing on more threats of lawsuits. That was a refreshing diversion! But it is still important.

So what do we expect from you? Under our unique incentive system, employees of are expected to produce five humorous captions per day. Employees must adhere to the rigorous standards of lolcats grammar, which we call ‘gramr’. Exceptions to the gramr rule are permitted in our ‘Spock cat’ product line, which features serious looking cats speaking in ironically perfect English. Other exceptions to the standard product include the classic ‘lolrus’ and ‘lolpets’ specialty lines.

We also encourage employees to think ‘outside the litter box,’ as it were. But don’t forget the ‘unahfishul’ corporate motto: If It Ain’t Lolcats, We Really Don’t Care! Market research shows conclusively that lolcat popularity will continue to ‘bubble’ upward for the next two decades, so why would you mess with a great thing? It’s just not worth anyone’s while.

Employees are also urged to help maintain our intellectual property rights. Any use, posting, ‘screensaving’ or retelling of extracorporate lolcats images or ‘gramr’ is forbidden on company property. As well, any sighting of same on the internet or in public or private spaces elsewhere should be reported to our attorney immediately, as unauthorized lolcat use represents an infringement of our rights.

Don’t forget: it is your commitment that will keep Inc. alive and thriving for years to come. See you next Caturday bitchz!!!

K thx bye


Thomas said...

I understand that humor is a suggestive thing but LoLCats are one of those things that I just cannot wrap my head around the humor of. They're like fart jokes, adding "in bed" to the end of the fortune in a fortune cookie and that Japanese game show that they redub and air on Spike. Not only don't I find them funny, I don't understand how anyone could find them funny.

Then again, there are things that I find hilarious that no one else quite understands.

palinode said...

I get a kick out some of the lolcats stuff, but when I see one, I wonder just how long it will be before everyone becomes embarrassed by the whole thing. I think the cultural relevance of lolcats is approaching the ecliptic as we speak and will soon slip out of sight.

That whole 'lolrus and the missing bucket' will never stop being funny, though.

mathew said...

lol omg wtf

BarbaraCA said...

Maybe it's like my twenty-year-old but still fresh crush on Gary Larson's note written by a dog: "Cat fud." Animals not using enough vowels = comedy gold.

palinode said...

I still say 'cat fud'. In fact, I'm pretty sure I say 'fud' more often than I say 'food'. The real pay off in that Far Side strip was the dog hiding behind the door, thinking 'oh please oh please' as the cat stares into the drier with the 'cat fud -->' sign taped to it. It struck me as hilarious that the dog knew how to write, but it was creepy that the cat knew how to read.

BarbaraCA said...

When we add it to the Damn Grocery List (TM), cat fud is listed thusly.

The Larson world is a certain type of disturbed. That cats could read was odd, but at least they never seemed to need bifocals, unlike the matronly Praying Mantis.

p-man said...

Is bill bissett involved with this awesome and exciting corporation? Shud b.