Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Everything I Needed to Know About Matt Damon I Learned at the Movies

Last night I went to see the new Matt Damon biopic The Bourne Ultimatum, starring Matt Damon himself as the fresh-faced young assassin who outwitted the CIA, NSA, NKVD, and the Illuminati and some Hutterites to gain control over his destiny and become a big new Hollywood star. You don't see him going to Boston and writing the screenplay for Good Will Hunting with his Afflecky pal, but that's the part of the story that everyone already knows, right? The Bourne Ultimatum will tell you everything you never suspected about Matt Damon. To wit:
  1. Matt Damon has the blandly handsome features of an all-American college quarterback from the 1940s, which makes it all the more surprising when he punches you in the larynx and throws you over a bridge.

  2. Matt Damon is capable of hopping from country to country in seconds, but this is western Europe we're talking about, so it's not as amazing as it sounds. He may or may not have the power of teleportation.

  3. You will do exactly as Matt Damon says if you want to live.

  4. All doors on Earth unlock themselves for Matt Damon.

  5. If you are in a crowd standing next to Matt Damon, and it crosses your mind that you might like to lift his wallet or have sex with his nearest female relative, Matt Damon will break your arm in five places in the time it takes him to eat a french fry.

  6. Matt Damon can kill you while reading Harry Potter and not lose that childlike sense of wonder he experienced when he first discovered J.K. Rowling's magical world of enchantment.

  7. Matt Damon answers the door by leaping out the back window, jumping across rooftops, outfoxing Interpol for no particular reason and then calling you from your jacket pocket. And you weren't even wearing a jacket when you knocked on his door.

  8. Matt Damon's urine has the sweet scent and taste that signals the onset of Type II diabetes. He doesn't know yet.

  9. Matt Damon was personally bankrolling Trent Reznor's career. This is why so many people were trying to kill him.

  10. Always take the elevator. If you use the staircase you take the risk of running into Matt Damon, who will stab you in the kidneys as he passes by. It's not personal, it's a reflex.

  11. Matt Damon does not answer to Matthew. You can walk right up to him screaming 'Matthew!' but he'll just keep playing his Wii like you're not there.

  12. European subways are outfitted with security systems or turnstiles to prevent fare jumpers. They are all programmed to ignore Matt Damon. In fact, Matt Damon has a permit to run from one end the world to the other without stopping. He has a special permit from Neptune to breathe underwater.

  13. Matt Damon sprints 22 out of every 24 hours. In order to maintain this pace, he must eat twice his body weight every day. He lives next to an Olive Garden restaurant and really takes advantage of their bottomless soup offer.

  14. Matt Damon is invincible once he gets behind the wheel of a car, just like everybody else.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Look for the fourth thrilling installment of Robert Ludlum's Jason Bourne saga, the Bourne Congeniality. Starring Sandra Bullock as Matt Damon. Coming soon to a theatre near you.

palinode said...

And then the Bourne Totality, which stars everyone as Matt Damon and Matt Damon as everyone, as he swallows us all in a Hypermind experiment.

Deb said...

Matt Damon told me to tell you that if you were here Matt Damon would tell you face-to-face that Matt Damon can hotwire anything and push it past its limits because Matt Damon remembers everything, he remembers everything.

palinode said...

Oh yeah? Why doesn't Matt Damon come out from behind Matt Damon's army of proxies and tell me himself? I'm tired of all the secret messages Matt Damon's been leaving me, in pop songs and newspaper headlines and whatnot. You tell Matt Damon from me that Matt Damon is a coward.

Rebecca said...

You know, it's really those Hutterites you have to watch out for when it comes to world domination. Those chickens and turkeys during the holidays? They're there to seduce us into lethargy (aided by the pumpkin pie). While we're all napping on the couch, the Hutterites will swoop down in their minivans and buses, dress us in plain clothes, and stock our pantries with carb-laden noodles. Then we'll all be too fat and heavily-dressed to move, let alone be leaders of the Western world.

ozma said...

Matt Damon's scalp is itchy.

He only leaves you secret messages but I've been communicating with him in crosswords for months.

fatboyfat said...

Matt Damon's blood is actually pure mercury. And his voice doesn't echo.

Just like a duck's quack.

i am the diva said...

....matt damon.....

Abigail Road said...

hehe, this reminded me of those Chuck Norris legends...but you're much more entertaining.

Amblus said...

None of this changes the fact that I'd still very much like to hit that. Actually, it all makes me want him more. Especially #6. Dirty!