departmental memo on new totems

FOR IMMEDIATE USE

Our totem spirits are way out of date. Here’s the updated list. Please use the updated totem animal list in all future dealings with our common mythos from now on. Don’t forget to place your old list in a recycling container.

P.


Totem: Salamander
Attribute(s): fire, brilliance, inapproachability
Represents: celebrity

Newt
looks like salamander
celebrity impersonator

Owl
silence, speed, murder
Murderail, the monorail that kills

Cat
laziness, vapidity, eats anything, frequent vomiting
teenagers

Dog
Slavishness, perkiness, floor-shitting
P.F. Chang’s server

Wolf
ferocious forest-dwelling predator
Darryl Hannah

Pelican
disgusting feeding habits
ex-roommate

Cloned Seagull
exact genetic replica of another seagull
cloned hippie

Gopher
wears cardigans, eats own young
Joss Whedon

Squirrel
stores nuts in cheeks
Jenna Jameson

Rabbit
big ears, long yellow teeth, smell of urine
a kid I knew in grade three who used to let the air out of my bike tires

Badger
vicious, sharp claws, can actually turn around inside its skin
Dick Cheney

Robot Badger
same but robot
Dick Cheney’s post-apocalypse robot body

Meerkat
awesomeness
Superman or Edward Gorey character