Monday, March 12, 2007

less-discussed superpowers

Blindness (Daredevil)

I’ve never quite figured out why Daredevil’s blindness is considered such an asset. I mean, isn’t it possible to do all those crazy acrobatic things he does without being blind? And really, instead of forming an audio ‘picture’ from sound waves, wouldn’t it be simpler just to look around? And maybe see how ridiculous that devil costume looks? But you've got to love his secret identity:

Super Tights-Wearing

Enough already. Just – stop wearing tights. Why do the citizens of Gotham need to see Batman’s package every time evil’s afoot? Why? He chose the bat costume because criminals were a superstitious and cowardly lot who would be frightened by a man dressed up as a bat. Personally I’m frightened by any man who will show up and pound the living crap out of me, whether he’s dressed like a bat or Jose Feliciano, but the tights thing adds an extra dimension to the scenario that I’d really rather not contemplate.

I don't think this guy has violence on his mind, if you follow me.


Batman’s great power is being the filthy rich child of filthy rich people. Superman is the sole survivor – if you don’t count all the other survivors – of a lost planet, plus he has his own fortress. Wonder Woman is some kinda princess? The Black Panther is a king or something? To be honest, I don’t run in those hoity-toity circles, where the superbeings of this earth gather for the all-night coke orgies with SuperParisHilton and Lady Lohan of the Skankonites. When it comes down to it, there’s a whole lotta superheroes out there that strike me as bored swells looking for kicks, like they’re living out a screwball comedy with costumes and punching. Go fetch William Powell from the dump and leave the rest of us alone.

Unlikely Breasts-Having

Unlike tights or well-defined pecs, the crazy tits of comicdom seem distributed equally well among the entire adult female population. Unless you’re an old lady or a society matron, or a monstrously mannishly deformed lesbian driven mad by the Feminazi virus, if you’re a nubile young woman in a superhero comic book, you’ve got bajungas to spare. If you’re a heroine, then welcome to the world of poured-on latex. It’s all so empowering. And if you’re evil, then your nipples probably shoot lightning or something. Witness a bored She-Hulk, slumped on a park bench like she hasn't got green skin and massive hooters.

Optimistic Punch Pose

Do you wonder why Superman flies through the air with one arm thrust out in front, the hand clenched in a fist? You probably thought there was some aerodynamic reason, like Supe’s arms controlled pitch and yaw. No. The outthrust fist is actually an element of Supermanic efficiency – basically, he’s saving himself the miniscule amount of time it would take to make a fist when he arrives at his destination, which will hopefully contain an enemy for punching. With this pose, he can fly right into the crime scene and have everyone pummeled before his feet even touch the ground. Not only is it efficient, the Optimistic Punch Pose is extremely proactive – it’s the kind of forward thinking that would make Superman an excellent candidate for a community committee on recycling. And kicking ass.

Here he is with the Eye-Poke Variant:

Crime doesn't pay, especially when it means getting your eye poked out at supersonic speeds by a flying alien in a circus strongman costume.


ozma said...

Daredevil. I don't purport to be an expert on him but I did read the comics. I think first, the point of the blind superpower thing is that his identity as a blind guy is the most awesome alternate identity ever. Blind guy can't fight so blind guy seems harmless and bad guys will not go kill him when his guard is down. Second, I think his radar power is exceptional in some prioperceptive way that far exceeds our looking around abilities. And the cane. Don't forget the cane.

I thought the fist was to reduce air drag or something.

The boobs play a critical role in all the comics. Namely, get pre-teen boys to buy them.

palinode said...

Ozma, your comment is dangerously pro-Daredevil. Don't you see the word "devil" in his name? Devils are bad. And the cane. Canes are for tapping gently on the sidewalk, not beating up on innocent criminals. If Daredevil concentrated on his music career and left his themed vigilante exercises behind, the world would be a better place.

As for the fist: Superman does not need his drag reduced. In fact, he needs his drag increased a bit, which he could probably do with a bit of lipstick and a nice wig. A pair of comic boobs would produce even greater drag on Superman, but that would short-circuit the brains of the boys who buy the comics.

Grand Tuma said...

Great. Thanks, Palinode. Now I can't get the image of a Tootsie-ized Superman out of my head. It was actually just as difficult getting it into my head and now it's just stuck there. Superman has been my hero since I was 4 years old. Even though he's probably a Republican. Oh god. It's all falling apart now. Well done, Palinode. Or should I say, Mr. Luthor?

Huckleberry Finnegan said...

Anonymous said...

I like me a superhero in tights and a spangly leotard.

The paradox between the oh, so serious macho superhero and his choice of costume is mirth invoking.

I like Alan Moore's spin on superheroes in "Watchmen," Old and redundant superheroes make for a good read.

abigailroad said...

tee hee..."crazy tits of comicdom".nice.

savia said...

I am now fixated on Batman's package. Can't stop thinking about it. That and the idea of getting one's eye boked out. And now, the two ideas have merged in my brain and are inseperable.

ozma said...

I was going to say that a transgender superhero is now inevitable and you could pioneer this development but there's already one. Masquerade! I didn't read enough of the article above to find out if the boobs are fake.

ozma said...

Oops, bad link. Masquerade's superpower is shape shifting, naturally.

My Head Is Too Big said...

Pitch and yaw. Nice.