Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Yarrrghhh yargh

Hey people, here's a flat contradiction of God's message of love in the Christian scriptures:

It. is. to. puke. and. such. Billed as a "smooth and creamy dessert tea," when it should be marketed as the latest harbinger of the end times. Even now News Testaments all over the world (even those boxfuls they left on the moon) are rewriting themselves to accommodate the nihilus ex omnio of Vanilla Nut Creme Decaf Tea Pointless Shit. I'll go get my Bible and show you. From John 3:16 -

"For God so loved the world that - what? Really? Oh that is just sick."
And in 1st Corinthians 5:1-2 -

"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not found even among pagans; for a man is living with his father's wife. And you are arrogant!"

Okay, there's no reference to tea in that passage. But those Corinthians were some kinky freaks. Oh heck, since we're here, let's see what else Paul has to say about that immoral guy who's been shtupping his stepma:

"For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present I have already pronounced judgment in the name of the Lord Jesus on the man who has done such a thing. When you are assembled, and my spirit is present with the power of the Lord Jesus, you are to hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord".
Of course, this should not be taken at face value. What it means is that they'll excommunicate the the poor bastard (stepmotherfucker?) and force him to drink vanilla nut creme decaf tea.

UPDATE: You know what? Forget the tea schtick. It's just some stupid tea. Right now I'm really fixating on Paul saying that he's absent in body but present in spirit, and therefore able to pass judgment. I think there should be an afternoon TV religious drama: Judge Paul: the Astral Projection Judge! You need the exclamation mark or it all falls apart. Every week someone would come to court with some biblical crime or other (ate leavened bread while neighbour's wife was menstruating on the third Sabbath of the year or something) and the floating spirit of Paul would pass judgment. Bonus laughs when he tries to strike his incorporeal gavel! At the end Satan comes out and destroys the offender's flesh. Possible alternate title: GhostPaul's Tuff Love Court.


Schmutzie said...

You are so going to hell.

palinode said...

I go wherever the action is. The action and hors d'ouvres.

Ordinary Janet said...

If you were talking about the Koran and not the bible, you'd have a fatwah on you so fast it'd make your head spin.

palinode said...

I'd have to be more famous for fatwah status. If I ever get one, then you know I've made it.

Honestly, though, I don't know the Koran well enough to get silly with it. Coming from a Western culture with European parents, I feel like the Bible's mine, even if I'm not a practicing Christian, and therefore I can poke fun at it. It's like criticizing the city where I live: it's a hopeless backwater, but I'll be damned if some out-of-towner is going to make fun of it.

Anonymous said...

Knowye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump?

palinode said...

Therefore do not throw in the leaven of malice when you're baking up a gathering of the spirit.

palinode said...

Churches should have signs that say "beware the yeast of evil".

Anonymous said...

Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened.

That breadmix sounds interesting, perhaps in the same category as your tea?

savia said...

You wouldn't have to be all blasphemous and such if you could just get a decent cup of tea. Come over to my office sometime - we have the kind of tea with flowers in it. Oooh...pretty.

see emm said...

I'm the one abandoned that rancid decaf shit in the lunchroom. Sorry.

Coincidentally, I'm being hauled off to church tomorrow by well-meaning members of my extended family. I fear conversion... my resistance to Christianity is weakened by your description of 'the new decaf hell'. I hope that doesn't sit to heavily on your conscience.

ozma said...

I just ate a burrito that neutralized that tea and proved God loves us after all.

Anonymous said...

absent in body but present in spirit.... that sounds like a cheap post-coital excuse for why you won't stay the night.
I'm not sure its biblicality elevate it to the point of believability or even being more believable than, "Sorry love, got an early start at the office tomorrow."

the oedipal angle I can see as a grand idea for marketing tea. "tea from you mothers pantry" in some it will cause pleasant reminiscences, while it those perversely twisted "pantry" will harken to "panty" --and after all if you can't stoop the old bag steep her.

Vanilla nut crème..... sounds almost like Pearl-jam, a mariners drink, seamen for the seafarer, if you get my drift, not the Nautilus , just naughty-us. I think they undoubtedly chose the French spelling of cream to further arouse this seminal connection.
--forget about that old cup of char, when you can be sipping this spunky bevy. Vanilla nut creme, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Anonymous said...

So tell us Palinode was it salty?