ask palinode: alterity edition

Oh great and powerful Palinode or Rock Hyrax,

My question for you is this: What if the universe had been different?

If you'd like, I can ask the question again. What is the minimum number of askings that will qualify my question for your Frequently Asked Questions page?

Respectfully and in greatest anticipation,
Lauri

Oh. So it's Palinode or Rock Hyrax now, is it? Like any of you get to choose who answers the Asks that you pose me? Note that's me that you ask, not the rock hyrax. The rock hyrax is exceedingly busy with filing duties. Also, some people think that the interrogative statements for Ask Palinode are questions. That's not so. The proper term for an Ask Palinode submission is an Ask. It sounds a bit odd, but it's traditional.

Forgive my surliness. The truth is, I'm a little worried about the rock hyrax lately. He's having trouble with language, and I'm starting to worry that he's stuck in a Flowers-for-Algernon situation. Let's drop in on him right now and see what he has to say on alternate universes:

YESTERDAE I HADDA STICK A BROKLI IT WAS AL FUZZIE ON WUN END I HAD TO BITE FUNNY AND FUZZ GOT AL UP IN MY NOSE I BITE! I BITE! BAD HYRAKS I BITE A FINGR.

See? He can't even spell right when he speaks now. Sad. I'm hoping it's a case of the flu or something.

So what if the universe had been different? That’s a good question, Lauri: seductively imprecise, convex and nearly splitting open under the pressure of its possibilities. And strangely reminiscent of a Strong Bad email. I can’t compete with that crazy Flash animation and those kooky characters, so don’t follow that link yet. Just wait. Until the end of my answer.

Anyway, since the rock hyrax is out of commission, I’m going to pass this question over to Joanie. Joanie is in the Accelerated Program at Middledew Elementary School. She is eight.

Lauri there are many ways for the universe to be different. One way for the universe to be different is to be very small, but we are the same size, so we are always having to bend over. This would cause many back problems, like Bill has. He is always on the couch and watching sports and mom is crying about it because he doesn’t go to work. If the universe got very small then mom would have to stay home and sit on the couch with Bill and they would both be happy but I would have to go out and make money for the whole family, maybe my little brother would have to make money as well. He is too stupid though. He is my half-brother. I made him a card for Valentine’s Day.

Another way for the universe to be different is to have my real dad in my house and not Bill. Bill farts ALL THE TIME and mom makes me talk to him and tell him about my day. It’s gross when I talk to him and he says Wait A Sec and then he farts and laughs. If my real dad came back he would beat Bill up and give me a PONY because mom says my real dad is Jesus. She says I’m going to meet Him in heaven but I don’t care I want him to come back NOW and KICK. BILL’S. STUPID. BUTT.

BUTT.

I hope that clears things up for you.


Do you need to have a question's big stupid butt kicked? Ask Palinode! askpalinode @ gmail . com.