Wednesday, January 10, 2007

new service: praise on demand

Today's top communications firms all agree that effective, on-message PR and a targeted ad campaign are instrumental in marketing your product, whether that product is widgets or financial services. Even blogs can benefit from solid advertising.

Starting today, I'm adding a new service to complement Ask Palinode. For the grand total of no money, I will produce short blurbs for your weblog. Each blurb is guaranteed to increase traffic to your site contain 100% words. Or at least things that look like words.

Here's an example of what you can expect:

Are you kind of person who reads Palinode's Palace?

What kind of person reads Palinode's Palace? If you're here, then you're a little different than other people. You've seen what the rest of the world has to offer, but you want more. More nerve twitches, more goose carcasses, more laughs in the desert - just more.

If you read Palinode's Palace, you're probably the kind of person who enjoys spending time on a park bench, watching the world go by - even if you get so frustrated with the trees and the children that you just want to burn the whole thing to ash and start over with a stolen steamroller.

You're probably the kind of person who gets impatient with the moon because it takes a whole month to go through its cycle, only to scream in terror when it reveals its vast blank lost face to you, its mournful craters communicating some primal message in a forgotten language. You don't need the moon's pity - only its approval.

You probably made a little mistake back in the '70s, but you've had so much cosmetic surgery done that the authorities will never recognize you. And besides, everyone else is dead.

Are you looking for a new experience? Something that will wake up you up and let you taste the day for what it is, and just, you know, lick it all over? Find that new experience at Palinode's Palace.
All you need to do is provide me with a few specifics: site address, preferred blurb length, and of course, target demographic. I understand from this pamphlet that advertising must always address a target demographic. You can also send an image of your choice, which I will be forced to include, unless I don't want to. Maybe I'll include a drawing of my own. Whatcha think?

I also need a catchy name for the service. I like 'Blurb-o-Matic'. I know it sounds pretty similar to another site, but it sounds so catchy.

Caveat: I will review your site before I write up a blurb. If I find the content objectionable, then no blurb for you. So if you spend your time explaining to the world how Muslims are barbaric freaks who couldn't possibly be ordinary people like you and me, or you don't know why those feminazis keep on demanding respect and equal pay when they're clearly ugly, don't ask for a blurb (and don't worry, I can tell if you're joking). Spare yourself the anger and me the gut sickness I get when I read stuff like that. On the other hand, if you'd like to prove that your bullshit earns you persecuted minority points, feel free to use the experience as an example of being hounded by the fascist liberal left. You can say things like "truly chilling" and "again the loony left shows its true face".


schmutzie said...

Will all the blurbs be about "In Palinode's Palace"? Or do we get to pick the topic?

palinode said...

Yes, you get to pick the topic. The alternative would be a little weird.

Ehme said...

This reminds me of the time that I suddenly became Funemployed at the same time the City of Portland, Maine needed a new police chief. My friend wrote me a letter of recommendation as if he was Katie Couric, and it one of my most treasured possessions. Sadly, I do not think my "weblog" has enough content to warrent a blurb. It is but a blurb itself.

Anonymous said...

But what about me?
I don't have a blog so I'm more in need of a blurb than anyone!
I am without description, I am bodiless in the vastness of the internet.
I have no identity among the great online philosphers!

Please Great Palinode, write me a blurb and maybe then I can create a blog and have something good to put on it.


palinode said...

Maybe I'll write an anonymous blurb that non-bloggers can use.

I'll have to mull this one over in my super-secret lab deep in the heart of the Tim Horton's down the street.

Gasoline Hobo said...

i think i need a blurb. my site is, my target demographic is rather varied, but includes people who hate spiro agnew, people who usually wear pants or some other sort of lower body covering, and probably a few voles.

as to length, it probably shouldn't be any longer than two paragraphs, because my readers are easily distracted.

also, it would be great if you could work this image into the blurb somehow.

yours in anticipation,
gasoline hobo

ozma said...

How did you know I am impatient with the moon? HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Deep down inside, I probably want a blurb. But I just don't have the guts.

dk said...

ooooo - I like it! it's fresh, it's free and it's no work for me! write what you like and I think I would prefer an image YOU come up with. thanks for the laughter!

firewings said...

*tugs on your sleeve, eyes aglow with strictly platonic adoration*


Length: Oh I'm inclined to wordiness, but limitations in writing can be fun. How about a couple of haikus?

Demographic: I aim to entertain mutated high-functioning vervet monkeys who have climbed through the vervet-eat-vervet, poop-throwing society in academia, but mostly my readership contains friends/enemies who find my typos, run-on sentences, and wobbly grammar endearing/annoying and them a quaint/ignoble addition to my character.

Service name: Question - Has Blurbtastic already been internally vetoed?

savia said...

Blurb me, baby!