Tuesday, January 23, 2007

capsule reviews

Highlander – “There can be only one!” Only one what? Every time I think they’re going to reveal what it is that has to be so singular, someone’s head gets cut off. Lame. That movie needed a quickening.

I Know What You Did Last Summer – Last summer I refused to wear shorts. My pale hairy legs are pretty scary, but two chicken sticks a horror movie do not make. Neither does this movie.

Transformers live-action movie – Optimus Prime comes to Earth and spends 120 minutes trying to hump an Escalade.

Britney Spear’s “Midnight Fantasy” Fragrance – smells like pre-teen spirit. A combination of cotton candy and vodka in a Slurpee cup. Much like Spears used to be, “Midnight Fantasy” is targeted at the pedophile market.

Beck - The Information – The other day I needed to know which types of plastic were best suited for drinks containers and which contained potential carcinogens. So I went out and bought the new Beck album in the hope that it would provide some information. Results were disappointing. Now I have cancer. Thanks a lot Beck. They should have killed you and left Kurt Cobain alone.

Texas hold ‘em – Last Tuesday I bought in to a Texas hold ‘em game. We went for hours. It was a white knuckle match, just masters of poker staring each other down for chips, X-ray minds turning cards transparent, crazy bluffs backed by brilliant braggadocio. Wait, I was thinking of something else. I ate ketchup chips and lost.


Ehme said...

i heart ketchup chips.

ozma said...

You have returned!

Your capsule reviews have saved me a lot of heartache. More, please.

cahilla said...

Master Shake from the animated series Aqua Teen Hunger Force considers Highlander to be a documentary, and the events that happened were in real-time. He also believes that jumping off a magical cliff will make him immortal.

palinode said...

I'm never sure whether Meatwad or Master Shake is my hero. Or the Mooninites.

My Head Is Too Big said...

You're back! Numbah one in da hood, G.