Sunday, November 26, 2006

freeze-dried fred, or worse

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. And then I realize that some people have it way, way worse.

You can't hear them, but Barney's saying either 'Kill us now' or 'Suck your big dick for a glass of water'. Hard to tell, really. I honestly don't think I've ever seen anything as sad as that wasted, dessicated Barney, his tunic draped over his 90 pound frame, the whole terminating in those crazy feet-shoes. If you can have feet-shoes, why can't you have leg-pants to complete the illusion? Was there nothing in the budget for leg-pants? Or maybe some kind of labour problem had closed the leg-pant factory down. You'll note that Fred gets arm-sleeves, even if they're wrinkly as one of those horrible hairless dogs. Clearly he's the alpha male.

God, they look like they've been wandering in the desert for weeks. I bet they took a wrong turn on the way home from the theme park and somehow ended up in the Mojave. Unless, after the Flintstones was canceled in 1966, Fred and Barney ended up as homeless guys wandering the bright empty streets of Burbank, offering to degrade themselves for bit parts in low-rent cartoons. Only the New Fred & Barney show from 1979 (the one with the teenage Pebbles and Bam Bam) revived their careers, and that took a lot of casting couch action, if you know what I mean.

Why am I suddenly so fixated on the notion of Fred and Barney whoring themselves out? Does this say something about me or the ugly underside of the cartoon industry?

Am I onto something here - something explosive and true? Given my track record for ferreting out the truth, I'd have to say yes.


schmutzie said...

Those people inside those costumes must have been in hell. Can you imagine what the insides of their rubber foot-shoes must have smelled like?

Mother Bumper said...

Are you writing one of those VH1 Behind the Music or E! Hollywood True Story type exposes? Because I think you are on to something here.

palinode said...

1966 - After several successful seasons, ABC finally shuts down production of The Flintstones. Fred and Barney enter into talks with other networks, but negotiations break down over Dino's contract. More ominously, Fred's coke habit, always a problem on set, begins to worsen as the frustration mounts. This is the start of the dark years.

Dana said...

I think that's my scrawny ex-husband under the Barney getup. And I bet you he is saying he'll suck someone's big dick for a glass of water. Part of why the marriage broke up (not that there's anything wrong with that, and by 'that' I mean either the breaking up or the sucking of the big dick by my ex).

Oh, I'm just kidding (not really). Totally (not in the least).

Anonymous said...

I tried to post yesterday but every time I touched the window with a mouse click it exploded. The reason may become clear soon.

Confronting the Historical Flinstones is a complex matter. Popular culture has shaped them to be fat and jolly Heterosexually Monogamous Cave Humans who operate cars with their (bare) feet. This mythology is a kind of modern myopicism where we see the past through the eyes of the present.

Some believe Fred and Barney to have been latent homosexuals, since they are recorded (on cave walls in Illinois and New Jersey) to have spent much more time with one another than with their so-called nuclear families (nuclear families being a post-modern phenomenon politically designed by a small subsection of humanity to oppress and enslave the majority of the population).

Despite the popular TV show (The Flinstones), certainly heterosexuality and homosexuality as practiced in the post-modern era did not resemble that which may or may not have existed in prehistoric days.

The trouble with prehistoric days is that there are no Madonna albums (they came from the well documented Golden Age of Long Playing Records in early recorded Cocaine before Crack era) and no documented outings of famous Homosexual Cave People until After the StoneWall period.

Combing through the etchings, we can only say with assurance that Fred and Barney had dicks, which were quite prominant, and often pointed toward one another.

palinode said...

This is shaping up to be one of the best comment threads ever to appear on my weblog. Either I'll have to write more about the Flinstones, or use the phrase 'suck your big dick' more often. Because there's no end of things to say about either.

maarmie said...

"Suck your big dick" is what drew me in, but the feet shoes prompted me to stay. I so want a pair. You simply MUST tell us where to get them!

Anonymous said...

Actually, Fred was hit on the head
and became "Frederdick" for a while.
He had to be hit on the head again
to straighten everything out.

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