Wednesday, March 01, 2006

something for the regulars

Remember that post I wrote a while back when I said that empty chip bags were robot vaginas? Remember that? And everybody who likes to comment commented until Blackbird bade us all stop? Sorry, Blackbird. Somebody reminded me of robot vaginas today (verbally, not by their presence or anything) and it's time for another installment on the subject.

Warning: The following lacks rigor. So did the preceeding.

The real problem with robot vaginas is that I can't think of the phrase without suddenly hearing Bitching Camaro in my head, and I'm forced to run through a verse or two before I can do anything else. Robotvagina robotvagina/ I ran over my neighbours/ Robotvagina robotvagina/ Now it's in all the papers.

Now I'll never get to hang out with J.G. Ballard. I'll come up to him and start talking and he'll give me a dry look, as if to say, "Your robot vagina motif is unsupported by an intellectual base, therefore it flakes easily". Then he'll say it, exactly as the dry look was as if to say. And I'll say, "Hey, way to force a metaphor, Ballard. For such a prolific writer, your prose doesn't exactly spring unbidden from your brain, does it?"

Then he'll put his cigarette out in my eye. And it'll serve me right.

Update #1: I don't know why, but somebody wants your empty chip bags. Sure, you'll get a free poster out of the deal, but how lightly will you sleep, knowing that you've contributed to the development of a vast robot army (all robot armies are vast, by the way)?

Update #2: A quick google search reveals that the robot army is no threat, since they seem to have succumbed to their version of internet porn:


So there's nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear itself and photo formatting.

Special late-breaking Saturday update: It turns out that robots are already making use of their special bits. It's like I was predicting the future. The very very near future.

I now predict that I'm going to go have a sandwich.

12 comments:

cheesefairy said...

last valentine's day I had wedged in my head two vagina songs (I blame Eve Ensler for the initial association): "Hairy Vagina" to the tune of "Lady Madonna" (children at her feet...) and "Sweet Hairy Vagina" to "Sweet Home Alabama" (well I hope Neil Young will remember/Southern man don't need [it] around, anyhow).

mathew said...

i have a problem with robot vaginas, as per the silverfoil chip bag version, where it is pretty much shaped as an actual vagina. and that problem is friction. i don't need to say more.

palinode said...

Mathew: when the robot revolution happens and they become our masters, I'd keep that information to myself. Robots have low self-esteem and built-in arm cannons.

palinode said...

And cheesefairy: I'm glad I'm not the only one. The "Lady Madonna" bit sounds like one of those grade 3 tunes that I missed out on.

savia said...

Blackbird's going to kick my ass for triggering this conversation again...

Respect the robot vagina - hazzah!

blackbird said...

there will be no ass kicking.
I am just going to turn away...
and when I look back, you will all
BE DONE WITH THIS.



it's freakin me OUT.



again.

schmutzie said...

Blackbird, I have to live with it.* Think about that.

*by "it", I meant the whole scenario and not specifically my robot vagina, which I do not have... and won't.

ozma said...

Doing donuts on your lawn. Bitchen Camaro, Bitchen Camaro, Tony Orlando and Dawn!

You really need to see "Westworld." Or maybe "Sleeper." I think you are giving robots the short shrift.

Wende said...

I'm with Blackbird... ewww.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Schmutzie, I'm glad you clarified, because I was fixing to demand pictures of your robot vagina.

And the first robot vagina conversation was before my time as a Palinode fan, I know, is such a time even possible?, but I am chagrined to say I never noticed before this enlightening post that empty chip bags are, indeed, reminiscent of robot vaginas. I consider myself rightfully shamed.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

And not just reminiscent of - actually ARE.

Average Jane said...

Aaagh! Now you've put the song "Bitchin' Camaro" in my head. Oh well, it was going to happen eventually today anyway because I'll be hanging out with one of my friends who drives a bitchin' Camaro, but still...