Friday, February 24, 2006

the real and the not-real and it's all palaver anyway

Is it evening? Does a fire in the hearth accompany the action? Yes and no. Schmutzie and Palinode, standing and seated, positioned for comfort, start to talk.

Schmutzie: I'm hungry.

Palinode: Mm-hmm.

Schmutzie: I was going to order out but all I've got is American money.

Palinode: You'd have to order American food then.

Schmutzie: Where's the nearest American food restaurant?

Palinode: North Dakota.

Schmutzie: How long would that take to get here?

Palinode: Assuming there's no holdup in Customs?

Schmutzie: And untroubled roads the whole way?

Palinode: Five hours direct from Minot.

Schmutzie: Add on 45 minutes for preparation -

Palinode: Throw in fifteen minutes for roundess' sake -

Schmutzie: And it's six hours to your door!

Palinode: Six hours or your American pizza's free!

Wait. None of that conversation, beyond the mention of American money, happened. Maybe it went like this.

Palinode: Hey, isn't Lynn awesome?

Schmutzie: She is. She gave me a copy of Billy Collins reading his poetry.

Palinode: She gave me a five American dollar bill with a dirty picture drawn on it.

Schmutzie: What are you going to do with it?

Palinode: Buy me some American sex!

Schmutzie: American sex? What's that like?

Palinode: I'm not sure, but I think it's blonde.

Schmutzie: And oral.

That didn't happen either. We do talk about Lynn's general awesomeness and fine writing stylings, but the real conversation is below.

Schmutzie: I'm hungry.

Palinode: Mm-hmm.

Schmutzie: I was going to order out but all I've got is American money.

Palinode: Yeah, I'm a bit cashless.

Schmutzie: But I get paid on Tuesday.

Palinode: Really. (Pause) I'm getting eaten by a bear on Tuesday.

Schmutzie: Is that so.

Palinode: It's pretty expensive too.

Schmutzie: You're paying a bear to eat you?* It's already gettting a meal. What are you getting out of it?

Palinode: I have to pay for its transportation.

Schmutzie: Where's the bear coming from?

Palinode: Up north. Apparently it's stuck in Prince Albert** and needs to catch a bus.

Schmutzie: It's a P.A. bear, is it?***

Palinode: No, I think he got stuck there? I'm vague on the details.

Schmutzie: I'm not surprised.

Palinode: I also have to spring for the return ticket. Joke's on the bear.

*Note that she assumes instantly that it's the bear receiving payment. Anthropomorphise much? Bears don't need money; like celebrities, they get stuff for free.
**Prince Albert is a small city about five hours' north of where we live.
***This is not a regional reference or inside joke. Or maybe it is. I'm from Nova Scotia, what do I know about the prairies?


effective nancy said...

If it's stuck in Prince Albert, you will of course need a can opener to prize the bear free. Except you're paying the bear. Wait, I'm confused.

Lynn said...

You know, five American dollars won't buy you any American sex. It might buy you an American dirty look from a blonde, but that's about it.

ozma said...

I'm so impressed you remember not only what you say to one another but what you don't say.

You guys is smart.

Cactus Jelly said...

i don't believe a word of it...especiallt the south dakota part...

luvabeans said...

hm. most of my american sex has been decidedly un-blond. maybe if i paid five dollars, i'd have more blond sex.