news

I've been reading up on the coming bird flu epidemic, with all those birds poised to send forth their microbe minions from the exotic Orient. What amazes me is how thoroughly and minutely this is now being covered by newspapers around the globe. Bird flu found in these birds; then those birds; then some more nearby; and now in a human being. Once this plague gets legs and bounds out of Asia to kill us all, the newspapers will keep pace with it, interviewing it at regular intervals, maybe fitting the damn thing with a pager so it can check in hourly. Larry King is going to have bird flu on as a special guest, and we'll all be able to sit in the comfort of our rec rooms, dens, backyard patios etc. and watch it attack Larry King on the air. When finally the plague has run its course and every human on earth has coughed out his or her lungs and fallen face first into a pile o' lungs, the last paper in the world will run off the presses bearing only the 50 point above-the-fold headline "EVERYBODY DEAD" and that will be that. And no one will ever know how a newspaper headline bearing the news of everyone's death got printed up with everybody already dead. But at least the news will finally be interesting.