Tuesday, May 17, 2005

nosferatic extractor

A Japanese research team (who will stop these itinerant research teams that roam the countryside and terrorize the good people for food and lab equipment?) has developed a fuel cell that runs on blood. According to the team, the fuel cell can be used to power computational devices in artificial organs. This is nonsense. The logical application for for the blood-powered fuel cell is consumer electronics. Three fat kids can power an Xbox or a PS2 indefinitely with their blood.

It's an elegant system. The resource pipeline for the Blood Engine is parents, who supply children with crude soda. The children ingest the soda, allowing their digestive systems to refine the high fructose corn syrup into pure glucose, which is then injected into the blood stream in a diabetic cascade. An IV line pipes blood from the chilrens' arms into the power unit, where glucose is extracted and converted into electricity. A output tube carries the "grey blood" back to the children's bodies. Whenever the kids want to play a round of Halo 2 or Morrowind, they just connect the tubing to the shunts in their arms, slurp down a Big Gulp o' Coke and away they go!

Despite its versatitility, the Home Video Blood Engine does have a few disadvantages, prime among them being:

- it must be 'invited in' to consumer's home

- extreme sensitivity to sunlight will cause it to burst into flames

- in order to function at maximum efficiency it must be placed in a bed of its home soil from Redmond, California

- avoid driving wooden stake through centre of unit, even if power of Christ compels you

- accursed of God despite "green" energy profile

Units are expected to hit markets this fall.


blackbird said...

It has become clear that your talents are being wasted, WASTED I TELL YOU.

You oughta get an agent -- or manager, or handler or somethin.

Anonymous said...

You should see the chaos that ensues when he escapes from his handlers.

palinode said...

Last time that happened, I ended up in the luxury suite of a Hyatt Regency trying to order a belly dancer and a case of Wild Turkey to the room at 4 am.