clearing up some rumours

Lately I've been hearing a number of rumours that have been making the rounds (since that's what rumours do), and I'm certain that 90% of all these rumours are false. Palpably, demonstrably false. I won't name names as you know who you are, and if you don't know who you are please ask me and I'll tell you. Anyway the source of these rumours should be very clear to those who have heard them because they all concern scrap metal dealers. Really now. For shame. Let me tell you, contrary to what some have been bruiting about, the truth about scrap metal dealers. Scrap metal dealers do not bedizen darkest Africa with priz'd ornament. They do not emerge at dusk on rooftops, there to glide on canvas wings over the twilit city in search of fireflies. They do not drink in the cool breezes of the gloaming. Theirs it is not to do such things. No, that is not theirs. Nor, having snagged a whole rutch of lightnin bugs, do scrap metal dealers retreat to lairs in ocean caves to scribble in margins of codices, lit by aforementioned bright captured bugs. Why would they do such a thing? Nor did the one who moved into the bungalow down the street have sex with Brian's wife Janice. He's gay. Janice is just trying to get back at Brian for refusing to build a new shed in the backyard, so she's come up with this ridiculous story about an affair between herself and the gay scrap metal dealer, and it's so pathetic. If you ask me Brian pretty much left the marriage behind years ago, and Janice just needs to drop a few pounds and stop being such a pushy bitch. So I just hope everything's clear now.