Friday, July 14, 2006

watching Superman

So the other night I was home - chilling - and my friend Gord calls me and he's like, Let's go see the new Superman movie! And I'm obviously like, Awesome! I worship the original Superman movie. It's even my ringtone. Because Superman is so much cooler than Batman? And even Spiderman, except for when he's Venom? And then Gord goes, The new Galaxy Cinema is open, so let's go there!

So Gord comes and picks me up in his new Camry. I tell you: sweet ride. We're driving up the Lewvan when I say to Gord, where's the Galaxy again? And he thinks it's on the corner of Rochdale and Mackenzie, but I'm like nu-uh, dude, it's Rochdale and McCarthy, but Gord is sure it's Mackenzie, and I'm not going to say anything because Gord gets angry when you argue with him, and one time I saw him get so mad he kicked a dumpster and then when that hurt, he set it on fire and the cops came and we had to pretend that we had just seen someone set the dumpster on fire, but they didn't believe us because the fire had burnt the brim on Gord's baseball cap and it was all black and smoking and smelling like burnt hair when he was talking to the cops. True story. So we drive to Rochdale and Mackenzie.

From the outside: total disappointment. Thumbs way down on the Galaxy. No parking. No Burger King or East Side Mario's anywhere. No hot chicks standing outside. And it was totally small. I looked at Gord and he thought maybe the movie screens were set underground, because this place was tiny. I didn't say it, but I was all like, Bad idea jeans. But Gord - he gets angry.

We walk in and it's still totally small, and now I want to header down to the Southgate to see the movie there, or maybe just hang out in the parking lot. Whatever. But then this woman comes up to us. She's a total MILF, and she's all like "Can I help you?" And Gord gets this look on his face, like Yeah, you can help us. Gord's boned all of his friends' mothers, except for mine. We call him The Milfinator. I say, "We're here to see Superman," but I guess she didn't hear us, because she said "Are you here to see Ryan?" You start going deaf when you get old or something. So I repeat myself and she tells us to take a seat. Gord says "Where's the concession?" and she gets this really weird look, like we've insulted her, but then she tells us to follow her.

She takes us right behind where the concession stand is into this kitchen. I'm thinking maybe she wants us? I look over at Gord because he knows when a woman totally wants it, but he's looking kind of confused too. She says "Chocolate or vanilla, boys?" and suddenly I'm like holy shit she's going to cover her body with ice cream, and I say "Vanilla," trying to be all like I don't care, but it comes out all squeaky and she gives me another funny look. But then she gets down a couple of bowls and actually gives us some ice cream. I was let down, but it was Haagen Dazs, so whatever, it's cool.

Then she says to go into the "living room" and she'll go get this Ryan guy - wtf, lady? - and when we go into the theatre, I can see why she calls it a living room. It's all set up like one, with chairs and couches and a big plasma screen on one end. A couple of people are sitting there waiting for the movie to start. Gord is kind of skeeved because the movie screen is so small, but the old guy on the couch says it was the biggest one at Costco. I kind of let that slide, because old guys who jump in on your conversation are usually perverts or just weird, so we ignore him and sit down. Then Ryan comes in and he's just standing there with the milfy woman and she says "Your friends came by to watch Superman". Ryan looks at us for a sec - what's he, the guy who runs the camera booth - then he snaps his fingers like he's remembering something and he leaves the room.

We keep eating our ice cream and the old guy starts trying to talk to us again, asking us how we know Ryan. Gord kind of rolls his eyes and starts humouring the dude. He says we met Ryan at the roller derby, and the old guy looks a bit confused but he nods his head and says he didn't know there was a roller derby in town. What a geezer. Finally Ryan comes in and messes with the machinery. He turns the lights down and Superman starts up.

I tell you - the screen was small but the new Superman is just as awesome as the old one. The new guy looks so much like Christopher Reeve it's scary. I bet some psycho is going to try to put him in a wheelchair, just 'cause. And Kevin Spacey rocks! He plays Lex Luthor so well that he even looks like Gene Hackman. Effin-A!

If I had any complaints, it would be that the new Superman movie is a little too much like the old one. They do the whole thing with Lex trying to get new land, and then Lois dies in the earthquake and Superman spins around the globe and reverses time and saves Lois and all that shit. I know that they wanted to be true to the old movie, but come on guys! Get a few new ideas! But still - that was so awesome it brought down the house.

After the movie ended, me and Gord jumped up in our seats and started hooting. Ryan turned the lights on and said, Okay dudes, come with me, and we were like Why not? and we followed him out to the driveway. Except once we got out there he was kind of twitchy and looking at the front door every few seconds. He says Yeah, I'll take a quarter, and we were like, Shit, that's the cheapest movie ever! I give him two quarters and Ryan looks at them for a second. Then he throws one at my forehead and says Real fuckin' funny buddy, I've got three hundred on me for a quarter ounce, so don't jerk me around. Gord says, What are you talking about man? The guy stops and looks at us again with this I-can't-believe-it-look on his face. Then he walks back up the driveway. Just before he goes in, he looks at me and says Nice fuckin' T-shirt buddy. Stain'd sucks ass. Then he slams the door.

We're never going to that place again.


maarmie said...

I say "no" to any Superman movie that doesn't star a fully intact Christopher Reeve. He is the ONLY Superman for me.

Once, a friend and I were smoking in this upstairs study lounge at college. A residence hall narc geek tried to bust us by sending one of her goons up to catch and punish us. When he got up to and came in the room, we were sitting there quietly studying at a table. He asked us if we saw anyone smoking up there and we said "Yeah. Two girls were up here smoking but they left. They went thattaway!" He ran out. Hoooheeehoeehheoehroeheoheoehe!

My Head Is Too Big said...

If Ryan hadn't been such a whiny bitch about it, he'd have probably got the hook-up. M.C. A.M.'s shiznet is the bomb-diggity, homes.

mathew said...

does Gord stud himself out? i think my mother needs to get laid.

Bigfoot said...

That was awesome. I think this is probably my most favourite post ever. AND I like the new font.

palinode said...

Maarmie: What about the body of Christopher Reeve? There's little difference in the emoting department.

2 Big 4 Tha Baw-day: Fo' shizzle.

Mathew: Gord takes all comers.

Bigfoot: I've got the coveted Bigfoot endorsement! That's a happy thing.

Anonymous said...

With the exception of the claim that Superman is cooler than Batman, I'm with you. Oh, and since I haven't seen the new Superman movie yet, I'll have to take your word for it.

Wow, though; inflation.

TB said...

Yes, I believe Stain'd has gone the way of System of a Down, POD and the rest and none too soon.
Thanks for the review. Jeff's been jonesing to see the new Superman. Perhaps this weekend. I only wish we had such an interesting venue at which to see it.